REAL Marriage

“Let’s all be big enough to do the little things.” Jim Maxwell

Everyone likes to celebrate and everyone likes to be remembered on special days. Make it a habit to celebrate special days often. The major holidays are a given. Birthdays and anniversaries are also a given. Here is the twist, celebrate your anniversary, your spouse’s birthday and your children’s birthdays every month on the appropriate day. A small celebration each month with a big celebration on the actual day keeps the love flowing year around.

Yes, I know that some have trouble remembering it once a year so how are they going to remember it every month. The good news is that you can put the date in your electronic calendar and have it repeat each month. You can even set it up to send you a reminder. I set mine up to give me an email reminder the day before. You have options.

Each time these days come up is also a good time to reflect or even write down what you appreciate about the person with whom you are celebrating. Once you have written such a list, hold on to it and add to it each month. You also get to review why you appreciate this person which helps keep the positive emotions going. Be sure to let your spouse or child know how much and why you appreciate them so you maintain a REAL relationship.

Start celebrating each month and see what happens. The more you invest in these relationships, the better they will get.

Today, April 1, 2012 is Global Love Day. Give your spouse a REAL love note to celebrate the day. Make sure to use the color red, either red paper or red ink, and decorate with hearts or flowers. For extra pizzazz attach your note to a small gift of chocolate, flowers, or some favorite of your spouse’s. Remember, REAL love notes are deposits in the love bank.

Tomorrow, April 20, 2012 is Husband Appreciation Day. Give your husband a REAL Love Note telling him how much you appreciate him. Be specific and you can even use that subject matter as part of the decoration of the note. For example, if he washes dishes then draw some dishes on the front or if he drives the kids around to events put a taxi on the front. Letting him know you appreciate him is a big deposit in the love bank.

By the way guys, everyday is wife appreciation day so act accordingly.

The Marriage Challenge, 52 Conversations for a Better Marriage by James & Andrea Wood is a must add to your marriage book collection. It is a great idea, 52 chapters with questions and each chapter is a conversation to have with your spouse. The authors suggest setting aside one hour per week to read the chapter together, discuss the questions, and add any other questions or discussion you want to have. These 52 hours of investment in your marriage are of incalculable worth to your marriage.

I read the entire book on my Kindle in two days (remember, I am a therapist who reads these books to review them and consier them for recommendation) between other work and errands. The book is easy to read without being overly simplistic. The subject matter is relevant to all marriages and all stages. This book is likely to make it into the rotation of books I use in my own marriage and will join a selection of books I use as homework with couples I counsel.

You will notice in the book reviews that I do that there are only books I recommend. I read many books and many on marriage or relationships. Some are good, some are not. I only review and recommend those I believe to be good or helpful. I want to promote these books and their use. Therefore, if I do not like the book or think it to be helpful I do not give it exposure. I highly recommend The Marriage Challenge and encourage you to use it in building and maintaining your REAL marriage.

Love notes are always in style. Men, women, children, everyone likes getting love notes. From the “do you love me? check the yes or no box,” notes of grade school to the poetic masterpieces and everything in between, love notes are appreciated. Most people keep them for years and years.

Do you need some love note ideas? This blog has a section dedicated to REAL Love Note Tips. Are you needing a little more help? You can buy my book, Make a Note to Love Your Spouse at Amazon.com. It is a step by step guide to making, writing, and delivering REAL Love Notes.

Anyone can write a REAL love note. I suggest at least one per week as part of your marriage or relationship maintenance plan. REAL love notes are deposits in the love bank.

April 1-7 is Golden Rule week. The Golden Rule, do to others what you would have them do to you, is a basic biblical principal for having a REAL marriage and a great way to treat all people all the time. While this phrasing comes from the bible, Luke 6:31, it is widely recognized throughout society as (I have to do this) the gold standard for interacting with people.

The Golden Rule is a proactive principle. The idea is to figure out how the other person would like to be treated and then treat them that way – first. The Golden Rule teaches us to be initiators in doing good. Instead of random acts of kindness we are to do intentional proactive positive acts for others.

Many people think they live out the Golden Rule when actually they live the Silver Rule: I will not do to you what I do not want done to me. You do not say mean things to your spouse because you do not want your spouse to say mean things to you. The Silver Rule helps prevent bad actions yet it does not promote positve actions.

Others live the Bronze Rule: I do to you what you do to me. The classic example is the parent who is correcting a child for hitting a sibling and the child says, “He hit me first!” This also happens in marriages when one spouse says, “Treat me like that will you? Let’s see how you like it!” This does not end well.

Finally is the Iron Rule: I do to you before you get a chance to do to me. This is a negative rule. If you do this positively it is the Golden Rule. The Iron Rule is selfish and uncaring. The Iron Rule has no rightful place in a marriage or society.

Spend some time this week figuring out what your spouse would really like and then do it for him or her without being asked. Such behavior is the Loving part of a REAL marriage.

Send your spouse a text about one of his or her traits you appreciate.

REAL love notes are deposits in the love bank.

There has been a fire at the REAL Marriage household. Everyone, including the dog, is safe and in many ways the damage was minimal. Now comes the recovery and rebuilding process. Who knew it would take so many specialists? We understood the basics and got started right away only to find we needed some specialists with special skills and equipment to complete the process. Evidently just washing clothes does not get the smell out.

You might find something similar in your marriage or other relationships. You know basically what needs to be done and you discover you need someone with special skills to really help you through the process. This is where a good marriage counselor can come in handy. A good counselor brings specialized skills in relationship areas to help you, using the fire anaolgy, not only get your clothes clean but to get the smoke smell out also. A good counselor can also peek around your attic to make sure there is not other damage as well so to speak.

I beleive couples can, and should, do a great amount of relationship work and enrichment on their own. I also know that sometimes it is handy to have a trained set of eyes to see things you might miss. That trained set of eyes also comes with some handy skills to help you repair or enrich your relationship.

Take a look at your marriage or relationship and determine what you need to do. If you can do the work yourself then get started and start enjoying your improved REAL marriage or relationship. If you need some assistance then find a good counselor in your area and get to work. The sooner you begin the sooner you will enjoy the fruits of your labor. As always you can contact me for an appointment. Invest in your REAL Marriage today.

Strong marriages make strong families and strong families make a strong society. A quick look at research regarding marriages and families indicates a number of positive effects of strong marriages. Some of these include better physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, greater life satisfaction, more income at work, fewer missed work days, greater school achievement by children, less juvenile crime, reduced teen pregnancy and drug use, and mnay more. Strong marriages leave a positive legacy for generations in the future.

So, as we hear more from politicians explaining how they will make things better and how they want your vote I encourage YOU to make a difference. Do everything you can to make your marriage strong. By doing so you will better education, reduce crime, and stabilize the economy. You can always be proud of that vote.

REAL marriages make a real difference.