REAL Marriage

I have mentioned the cost of out of wedlock births before and it is an issue that has not gone away.  Besides the monetary cost there are untold emotional, physical, and spiritual costs to out of wedlock childbirth.  Click here to read an NPR story about out of wedlock births.  This is an issue that we can address.  Each of us can spread the information and we can all send people for education about the advantages of marriage.  You can also give premarital education as a marriage (instead of wedding) gift.

Just like your car, your marriage needs maintenance. Just like your car there are some things you can do yourself, some your friends can help with, some you can take care of with a class, and sometimes you may need to call in a professional.

The first type of help is self-help. This is where you get a book, read some reputable articles, or watch some DVDs of good marriage material. This is the type of help that I recommend to all couples to keep things running smooth. The analogy is checking the oil in your car and keeping it filled to the appropriate level.

The second type of help is what I call group education. This may be a class at your church or local mental health center. Seminars also fall into this category as do marriage retreats and workshops. The emphasis here is on education with some skill building. This level helps keep things running smooth and also helps when a minor adjustment is needed.

The third type of help is peer assistance. Mentoring programs, coaching programs, and support groups fall are examples. With these programs there is an emphasis on learning and using marriage skills proven to work with other couples.

The fourth type of help, and the one many people avoid, is professional counseling. While we might be able to change our own spark plugs or oil, putting in a new transmission usually requires a trained mechanic. When the previous types of help do not produce the desired results it is time to see the trained professional.

Keep up the regular maintenance and you may never need that trained professional. It does take work and time and it is worth it. Just like that car that you maintain for all of those years becomes a “classic” your marriage will be a “classic” when you keep it maintained. Then it will be your marriage getting the envious looks that “classics” always get. Maintain that marriage and become a “classic.”

There is a relationship site that I receive information from that recently posted an article about “white lies” it is okay to tell on a first date. Let’s be clear (and REAL), it is not okay to tell lies, even “white” ones. Do you really want to start a relationship with deception? That is not Romantic or Encouraging. You might think it is Adaptable yet my definition of adaptable is a way of working together and lying is really only about helping you.  Lying is certainly not Loving.

Honesty is important in any relationship.  Speak the truth, in love, and build your REAL marriage or relationship.

Most of us do something at sometime in our lives for which we need to apologize. Here is a brief way to remember how to apologize.  I use the word, ACTS, as a memory device.

The “A” is for acknowledging the pain the other person is experiencing.  The “C” reminds you to confess your part in causing the pain.  Be concrete and complete. The “T” means to tell what you are going to do differently.  The “S” is for you to start new behaviors or do what you said you would do differently.

When you mess up you need to fess up and “ACTS” will help you do it effectively.  Aplogizing when you are wrong or have hurt someone is an important part of your REAL marriage.

Research has shown for some time now that marriage has benefits.  Research is now showing that divorce is linked to irreversible health damage.  See the article here.

Other research has shown the damage to children and many divorced people can share with you the ongoing stress of dealing with former spouses regarding children.  Divorce is painful.

The good news is that marriage has benefits and we know what makes for a good marriage.  Everyone can learn the skills to have a good marriage.  I sum these up with the acronymn REAL.  Romance does not have to die in your marriage, it is a state of mind you bring to everything you do with your spouse.  Encouragement is a manner of speaking and covers the communication areas of marriage.  Adaptability is a way of working together that keeps a “we” mindset focused on success together.  Being loving is a habit of doing for each other.  Work on these areas and you can have a good or even great marriage.  A REAL marriage can keep you healthy.

Most of us have multiple things going on each week, especially once children are added to the family.  You have work, children’s sports, school, and other activities, fraternal and service organizations, and for many, church/temple/mosque activities.  It is easy to double book or to be so booked that you do not spend time together.  Each person has a calendar and it gets fuller all of the time.  For this reason it is important to coordinate your calendars.

Each week, get together as a couple (or even as a family), pull out the calendars and coordinate with one another.  Each person needs to have only one calendar for keeping track of appointments, obligations, and other information.  If you have a separate calendar for work, home, and birthdays then it will be hard to keep track of all of the calendars.  Find a system that will accommodate your needs be it paper or electronic.  The beauty of electronic calendars is they usually allow you to print so you can have it with you and yet it is controlled and stored in one spot.

When you have a weekly meeting like this you can make sure that everyone gets where they need to go and home again.  It also allows you to purposefully schedule dates with your spouse, family time, recharge time or whatever you need.  It also cuts down on missed events or asking your spouse to lunch on a day when an office lunch is already planned.

Coordinating your calendars will help you be intentional about your REAL marriage.

Virginity pledges do make a difference.  The Wall Street Journal today had an article describing the flaw in recent reporting about the lack of effectiveness of virginity pledges.  It turns out that those who make those pledges come from more conservative home and churches and have far less risky sex and delay first sexual experiences by four years.  Also, one out of four of those who make the pledges to remain virgins until marriage.  Good for them.

Read the article and pass it along.  Those who wait until marriage to have sex have a headstart on building their lifelong REAL marriage.

Today I want to share with you some information I received through an e-mail from Smart Marriages.  Sex is often a topic that can be joked about, yet not seriously discussed.  From this article it is evident that sex in marriage is good for you.

“Researchers have linked sex to better immune protection and to a lower risk of prostate cancer. One study found men with more frequent ejaculations (21 or more a month) had a lower risk of prostate cancer compared to men with four to seven ejaculations monthly.”  All the men are high fiving each other now because they can tell their wives, “You don’t want me to get cancer do you?”  Just remember guys, if you treat your wives well you will get all the sex you can handle.  See other entries in the blog for pointers.

Part of the article spoke about resuming sex after a heart attack.  The good news is that most people can resume sexual activity after a heart attack.  For those concerned that sex could bring on a heart attack the article says: “In reality, only about one half of one percent of fatal heart attacks occur after sexual activity, and 80 percent of these involve extramarital affairs or persons having sex with much younger partners.”  Again, we see that sex is safest within marriage.  There can be deadly consequences for straying.

Be REAL with one another and enjoy sex within your marriage frequently.  You will both be healthier for it.

Many parents report a reduction in the amount of sex they have following the birth of a baby.  Preganancy and the time following childbirth is the time that many people enter affairs.  This does not have to be the case in your marriage.  Click here for an MSN article with tips on maintaining your sex life after the birth of your child.

To have a REAL marriage you need to be married on purpose.  You need to be intentional about your marriage and have a plan for keeping it at the level you want or for making it better.  Maintaining your sex life is a critical part of your REAL marriage.  Read the article in the link above and keep your sex life satisfying even after the birth of your child.

Today is Reconciliation Day.  Is there reconciliation that needs to take place in your marriage?  Today is a good day to start that process.  Do you need to reconcile with someone else?  Today is a good day to start.  Maybe you need to forgive someone or even yourself.  Today is a good day to start.

For more information on forgiveness check out this blog entry.  Click here for another helpful website on forgiveness and reconciliation.

Reconciliation is an important part of your REAL marriage.