REAL Marriage

Expectations. We all have them and we have them in areas we didn’t even realize. Most couples don’t fight about money or sex or any other topic - they fight about their unmet expectations in those areas. Here are a couple of exaggerated examples for illustration: He wants to spend all of the money and she wants to save all of the money OR he wants sex twice every day and she wants sex twice every year.

In the first example, which captures the gist of many couple arguments, there are differing expectations about how money is to be used. The husband expects money to fund life in the here and now. He wants to have fun now and enjoy the fruits of their labor now, not when they hit 65 and retire. The wife wants to make sure there is money in the bank to pay for children’s educations, to handle those unexpected items like broken water heaters without going into debt further, and she wants to know that they can live comfortably in retirement. The reality is that the wife also wants to have some fun now without having to worry about what will happen as they get older and the husband wants to have a nice retirement without feeling like he has to give up all of his fun now to have it.

In the example about sex both husband and wife desire sex, just with different frequency. This is an area where expectations from other areas are important and where the meaning of sex is probably different for each spouse.

The key to getting through these areas in marriage is sharing your expectations with each other and being willing and adaptable enough to adjust your expectations to meet both spouse’s needs. Once each of you understands, to the other’s satisfaction, his or her expectations, then my experience is that many of these difficulties will be fixed at that point. For the remaining ones, you are now in a good place to start solving the challenging area.

The next time you are upset with your spouse examine your expectations in the area you are upset about then write them down so you can share them with your spouse clearly. Then, go ask your spouse about his or her expectations in that area and try to understand those expectations to his or her satisfaction before you share your expectations. Try this and see what happens. I believe you will be pleasantly surprised.

Most people are married at a church or by a minister. The vast majority of churches believe marriage is important. Here are five ways that you can help marriages and families at your church.

Preach about marriage and family

Most churches have a sermon every time they meet for worship. Plan on preaching about marriage and family every year. There is no extra cost to the church to implement this idea as preaching is going to happen anyway. Your people need to hear what God has to say about marriage and family and hear it at least once each year.

Congregational Marriage Affirmation

The leadership of your church can develop a statement describing the congregation’s stance on marriage and affirming the place of marriage within God’s plan. This statement needs to be in writing and distributed to the membership. It is also good to place this information in your welcome packet so that your guests know you support marriage and family.

Congregational Marriage Policy

The congregational marriage policy outlines what is necessary for someone to be married by one of your ministers or at your facility. This policy outlines the premarital counseling required, building use policies, costs, and any other areas that are important to your congregation and leadership. Put this policy in writing. Many communities now have community marriage policies or agreements where churches get together to agree on a minimum standard for people to be married in churches in that community. This has been a powerful method of reducing divorce.

Honor Anniversaries

Put the anniversaries of your couples in your calendar or worship bulletin and encourage the congregation to congratulate these couples. Have the church leadership send an anniversary card to couples. It is also good to have a church leader publicly recognize marriages of twenty years or more. These recognitions can be done once per month for all of the anniversaries of that month. Such honoring of marriage demonstrates its importance and affirms that remaining married is good.

Schedule in a marriage and family friendly way

When you are scheduling events at your church, be aware of how these events impact your families. This is especially important to families with children in different age groups. If the preschool event is one night, the elementary event another night, the middle school event another night, the high school event on yet a different night, and then the couple event is a separate night the family will be overwhelmed and likely skip some events. Put as many things together as you can and watch your participation increase. Also, it is helpful to have childcare available for any couple event that you do.Â

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. If you would like more information about how to care for marriages and families send a comment to the blog or email me at jmaxwell@myrealmarriage.com.

Your church can support REAL Marriages and Families.

May is almost over and June ushers in the summer wedding rush. For all of you getting married soon I hope you have either finished your premarital counseling or are in premarital counseling. Premarital counseling is an investment in your marriage and your future. You spend at least 12 years in school preparing for a job so spend some time preparing for your marriage, it is worth it.

I recommend premarital counseling that includes an inventory such as PREPARE, FOCCUS, or RELATE. I personally use PREPARE and I like that it is now available online. You may also find a facilitator to administer your inventory by going to www.prepare-enrich.com. For the other inventories check out www.foccus.org and www.relate-institute.org.

Good premarital counseling will get you to talk about important topics with your fiancee before you get married. It will also give you skills to use in your marriage and emphasize the strengths you have so that you can build a strong marriage from the beginning. Good premarital counseling will also alert you to any areas that you need to pay special attention to before marrying.

I think it is good to cover at least the following topics: The benefits of marriage, expectations, goal setting, meeting needs, listening, communication, conflict resolution, leisure time, recreation, vacations, roles and responsibilities, money and budgeting, family and friends, sex, affection, touching, children and parenting, traditions, rituals, holidays, spiritual beliefs, commitment, forgiveness, and a marriage maintenance plan.

Start early and it will help your relationship. Even if you are getting married and have not had your premarital counseling you can start now and keep it going after the wedding to maximize your first year of marriage. It is your marriage so prepare for it, maintain it, and enjoy it.

Marriage is good for you and for society as well. Research is continually detailing the ways in which marriage is good and other research is detailing how to make marriages good. This means we know that marriage has benefits and we know how to get those benefits.

Marriage is good for you financially. We are seeing that in general married people make more money and have overall greater wealth than non-married people. This does not guarantee that you will get rich if you get married yet it says that once people marry they tend to do better financially. I know there are exceptions like people who make billions designing software and then get married but this is the exception not the rule.

Marriage is good for you physically. Married people live longer and married men especially benefit. Married people have better health in general than non-married people. The married people also have less injuries and less illness. Married people also have less alcohol use and abuse substances less than non-married people. The benefits of marriage extend to the children as children living with their two married parents generally have better health than children not living in this situation.

Marriage is good for you mentally and emotionally. Getting married increases health and happiness. Married people generally experience depression less often and have fewer suicides. Marriage also seems to also have an effect in reducing crime.

Marriage is good for you sexually. Married people generally have sex more often and are more satisfied with sex than non-married people. I know this flys in the face of all of the jokes we hear. Think about it this way - married people know who their sex partner is, usually have ready access to their sex partner, and they have had time to figure out the small things that make sex better for their partner. Those things are hard to do when a person is changing sex partners every couple of weeks or months. Married people are also more committed which seems to play a role in sexual satisfaction. This is the advantage married people have over those cohabitating.

For those who would like more inforamtion see the report “Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition” at www.americanvalues.org and the book, The Case for Marriage by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher.

The bottom line is if you want to be healthier, wealthier, happier, and have more satisfying sex more often - get married and stay married.

My last entry was about the Love Bank. This entry gives you some ideas for overcoming love bank bankruptcy. For any of you in this situation you have my prayers and my encouragement that you can overcome love bank bankruptcy.

How do you go bankrupt in your love bank? Usually you do it over time. Sometimes you have been on a decline and then a big withdrawal breaks the bank. The analogy is that a bankrupt love bank is like maxed out credit cards. You know the ones I mean, the ones with 22% interest. The minimum payment will likely never get you out of debt. To get out of debt you need to make big payments and make them regularly. The same is true with the love bank.

If you are bankrupt in the love bank you cannot coast with the daily 5:1 positive to negative ratio. At this point you need to go to at least a 25:1 positive to negative ratio. I don’t have research for this number though the research indicates that increased positives are necessary and that perseverance is necessary. You may not get as much credit for your deposits as you think you should. Another aspect of being love bank bankrupt is that your currency is devalued which is why you need to increase the deposits.

1. To make deposits make sure you are making them in your spouse’s love language. (For more information on love languages see Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages.) You can make deposits outside of your spouse’s primary love language, just remember that the highest valued deposits will come from your spouse’s primary love language.
2. Make deposits daily.
3. If you feel like you are overdoing it, increase the deposits by 10%. Remember, you are overcoming bankruptcy.(Your spouse will let you know if you are truly overdoing it.)
4. Use your spouse’s favorites for making deposits. (A list of favorites is available in the “free printable resources” portion of my website.)
5. Use REAL Love Notes. Most spouses save these and go back and look at them from time to time. While true feelings and quality are important, volume does not hurt.

These are the basics. If you have questions or need more information send a comment to the blog or e-mail me at jmaxwell@myrealmarriage.com. You can overcome Love Bank bankruptcy and once again enjoy your REAL Marriage.

I like illustrations that help me understand important ideas or help me do things I want to do. The Love Bank is an idea that has been very helpful for me. This idea is not original with me. Willard Harley uses this idea in his writings and so does Stephen Covey. I recommend the works of both of these authors to you and you will see some of their works listed in the books portion of my resource page at www.myrealmarriage.com. In the article section of that website you will find a longer article about the love bank.

The idea of the Love Bank is that everyone has a love bank and you have an account in everyone’s love bank. Your account in the love bank of a stranger will likely be at zero or whatever amount that person extends to people in general. Some people are fairly open and extend you some deposits out of good will. Others wait for deposits to be made. With people you interact with regualrly and know well then you have an ongoing account. When you do something the other person thinks is positive you make a deposit in their love bank. When you do something the other person thinks is negative then you make a withdrawal. The idea is to have a large positive account with people.

The easiest way to make deposits is to follow the “Golden Rule.” Most of us know this as, “Do to other people what you want them to do to you.” If you will proactively follow the Golden Rule then you will make many deposits. Marriage researcher John Gottman has found that relationships that have a 5:1 positive to negative ratio are usually successful. Small deposits are important and add up. It is better in relationships to make many small deposits daily then to make a big deposit once a week.

My next entry will tell you how to overcome Love Bank Bankruptcy. Make those deposits daily and watch your REAL Marriage become rich.

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Mother’s Day is this Sunday. There is still time to get out and get those gifts and please remember to get a card too. You fathers can help the children pick gifts and cards. Handmade cards from children are very special. Provide the kiddos with colored paper, crayons, markers, stickers, and other craft items and let them get creative. Mother’s love these things. My mom still has a Christmas ornament I made at school in the first grade and I am now in my forties. Don’t underestimate the power of handmade gifts and cards.

All you fathers-to-be out there remember to buy a gift for your wife from you and from your unborn child. This is especially meaningful if this is your first child. You can handmake this card too using crayon and writing with your non-writing hand. Writing this way will make it unsteady like a young child which adds a nice touch.

Here in the Northwest Mother’s Day begins “Marriage Matters Month” which runs through Father’s Day. I know this is a little longer than a month but the two holidays make nice bookends for highlighting marriage. I encourage all of you to take advantage of this month to do good things for your marriage. Let your friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors know about it also and give them a good excuse to celebrate their marriage. Use this time to begin or restart good marriage habits like regular conversation times, regular fun times, and monthly (preferrably weekly) dates.  For those of you who find the spiritual dimension important you can emphasize marriage in your devotionals together or begin having devoitonals together.

Take advantage of these opportunities to keep your REAL marriage going.

I currently lead a marriage enrichment group at the congregation I attend. This is a great group of couples getting together to talk about marriage, share stories, and trade tips. This particular group is using a pre-packaged set of material which makes it easy. I don’t always use my own material since there are a number of good presenters out there and a different take on things helps keep things fresh.

I want to encourage you to take advantage of marriage enrichment groups in your area. Many of these groups are sponsored by churches and often take place in the homes of members. If you are not a church going sort of person though you can still attend most groups. Another option is to start your own group made up of other couples you are friends with so all of you can support one another on the marriage journey. There is even a large amount of “teach out of the box” material that you don’t need special training to use. For some links to that material check www.smartmarriages.com.

Marriage enrichment groups are just one of many tools to help you have a REAL marriage.

My name is Jim Maxwell and I am the Founder and President of REAL Marriage, LLC. I have been married to my only wife Susan since 1990 and marriage keeps getting better. There is more about me in the “Who is REAL Marriage?” section of the REAL Marriage website, www.myrealmarriage.com. What is more important is there is helpful information on the site and I add more information as I find good things to pass along.

Check this blog on a regular basis for book reviews, comments on things happening within the marriage movement world, and comments on marriage and related topics. The blog is where I will put shorter comments and things I need to say more about I will write an article on the subject and post it on the website. Though I am writing this one on a Sunday evening (thank you to Tim Priebe, the webmaster from T&S Web Design, for getting me started) I will typically post during the week. More posts will happen on weeks where there is more marriage news or more things I feel the need to get out to the public. Some weeks will be a little slower and I’ll post when I’ll be out for seminars or other things so you’ll know when to check back.

I want my website and this blog to be useful for all of you who are married, thinking about getting married, or dealing with infidelity. Please feel free to send comments and suggestions so I can make it more useful for you.

Thanks for reading the REAL Marriage blog. I wish all of you a REAL Marriage.