REAL Marriage

Fun! Most of us like to have fun and we like it more when we have fun with people we like. It is important for couples, and families, to have fun together. To set a good example our family is heading out for a long weekend in the Olympic National Park. Hiking, sightseeing, and playing games together while eating food cooked outdoors - it’s going to be a great time. We are already enjoying the anticipation.

It is good to explore new ways of having fun and recreating yourself. My boys and I recently began learning lacrosse. I realize it is another game using a ball but it is different than soccer, football, baseball, and basketball. The skill set is different. We are learning new things and having a good time doing it.

Susan and I make REAL Love Notes and I occasionally offer input in scrapbooking projects. I like working with the photos, the stickers, the shapes, and the writing to tell a story. This gives us time together, time to relive the memories we are putting in the book, and a chance to be creative together.

I recommend that you find fun things to do for recreation and that you explore some new things occasionally. For some additonal ideas and a way to discover what each of you likes I have put together a “recreational activities” sheet. It has columns for each of you to check the activities you like or would like to try and there is room for you to add additional activities. Go to http://www.myrealmarriage.com/recreation.pdf and print out the two sheets. Fill them out and start having more fun.

Having fun together will give you a happier REAL Marriage.

Today I came across another internet article about couples fighting about money. I agreed with some of it and disagreed with other parts and decided it was time to blog the subject.

First of all couples don’t fight about money they fight about their expectations regarding the money. This sounds a little like a word game yet it is very important. Make sure the two of you talk about your expectations regarding the money in your marriage.

Next, it is important to set money goals together. This goes back to expectations though it is the action part of your expectations. Talk about what goals you have in the money realm, what savings and retirement you want, want kind of house, what kind of amenities, what kind of travel, what kind of education you want for your children, etc. Put these goals on paper, preferably in your couple’s goal book. (See the blog entry about goal setting.)

Finally, make sure you have a budget, on paper, that you follow in order to reach the goals you have set. If you need some budget ideas or have never done one or would like to see someone else’s idea of a budget then go to www.myrealmarriage.com, click on Resources and then Free Printable Resources and print out the budget. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of a written budget.

This short blog is the beginning basics of dealing with money in marriage. Be sure to spend time talking about this subject and seek the advice of finacial advisors. For those who like to read about these and other subjects check out the books section of the resource page at www.myrealmarriage.com.

Talk about your money together, come up with goals and a budget, follow the budget, and enjoy the positive impact on your REAL Marriage.

It is supposed to be 100 degrees here in the Northwest today. Such naturally occurring circumstances lend themselves to REAL Love Note subject matter and excuses for writing. A tip for such hot days is to write your loved one a note on red paper. Draw a fire or a sun on the front and on the inside put the message, “I’m hot for you!”

Take advantage of every opportunity to write a REAL Love Note. As you can see, coming up with a reason or a message does not have to be difficult or profound just a REAL message from you. If you are time strapped or need a jump start go to www.myrealmarriage.com/lovenotes.php and order some already handmade blank REAL Love Notes.

Remember, frequent REAL Love Notes mean frequent deposits in the love bank and that makes for a REAL Marriage.

Today’s issue of USA TODAY has an article entitled, “Premarital education could cut divorce rate, survey finds.” Look for it online at usatoday.com or go to http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2006-06-21-premarital-education_x.htm.

I believe in premarital education. I also believe in premarital inventories which can be done in a group setting. I use PREPARE. Other useful inventories are FOCCUS and RELATE. Which one you use will likely depend on who you receive your premarital education from though you can check out the websites of these inventories to find people in your area that use that particular inventory.

Most churches now offer, if not require, some type of premarital education. For you churches out there with more premarital education needs than staff I suggest having me come to your congregation to do my one day Preparing for REAL Marriage seminar. You can call me at (360) 772-6319 or e-mail me at jmaxwell@myrealmarriage.com.

For you readers in the Vancouver, WA metropolitan area you can come to the one day Preparing for REAL Marriage seminar on July 22, 2006. This seminar is being held at the Jim Parsley Center on the corner of Plomondon and Caples in Vancouver, WA. The time is 8:00am to 5:00pm. We’ll break for an hour for lunch on your own. The cost is $25 per person. Registration is required so that we have the right amount of space. Call Jim at (360) 772-6319 or send an e-mail to jmaxwell@myrealmarriage.com to save your place.

Good premarital education will help you have your REAL Marriage.

Happy first day of summer to all of you! I encourage all of you to write REAL love notes to those you love. Today’s tip is to write a REAL love note with a “Happy first day of summer” theme. Take a piece of paper and fold it in half. If you have colored paper it is even better. Yellow, blue, and green are all good colors for this REAL love note. On the front of the folded piece of paper draw a sun and put a smiley face in it. On the inside write, “Happy first day of   summer”  or something similar. Put the REAL love note where your loved one will find it or give it to them in person.

A variation on this idea is to send a REAL love note by e-mail. You can do this with an e-mail and insert an “emoticon” with the message.  Check out www.smileycentral.com for some really fun smileys. You can also send free e-cards. Check out www.bluemountain.com, www.myfuncards.com, or www.regards.com.

REAL love notes make for a happier REAL marriage.

Exercise is important. We hear it all the time and we often feel guilty that we do not get enough exercise. The news speaks of childhood obesity and we feel guilty about our children too. You don’t have to feel guilty since you can do something about it.

WARNING: Please consult your physician before undertaking new fitness programs.

Now that the encouragement for prudence is complete let me encourage you to improve your relationship by improving your health. Getting more exercise is as easy as going for a walk with your sweetheart. You can even hold hands. If you want to have fun with it and be a little goofy you can give each other piggy back rides. Go for a bicycle ride together or go swimming together. Lift weights together and stretch together. By the way, improved physical and cardiovascular fitness improves your sex life.

For those of you with children you can expand the activities. Your young children will love playing tag with you or riding a bike with you and your spouse. Go for a family hike and enjoy nature. Let your children see you as a couple doing healthy things and they will follow your example. Include your children in these healthy activities and watch your family grow closer.

We all need exercise. It is much more fun when we exercise with someone we care about. Exercise together and watch your REAL marriage become stronger.

This blog has covered listening and communication so now is the time to cover conflict resolution. All couples have things they disagree about in their relationship. Sometimes it is where to go out to eat or what movie to see and other times it is where to vacation or spend the holidays. Whatever the topic the conflict is not fun. Let me remind you that your conflict is not so much about the topic but the expectations each of you has about that particular topic. When in a conflict, it is good to examine your expectations. After that make sure you practice good listening. When you have done these things and there is still a conflict or a problem to be solved try the following nine steps.  

1. Set a time and place for solving the problem.
2. Define the problem in writing and very specifically. Solve only one problem at a time.
3. Each person describes their own contribution to the problem.
4. Generate possible solutions in writing. (Brainstorm) Use as much paper as necessary. Do not reject any solution at this time and do not evaluate the solutions now. Write everything down without comment.
5. Evaluate the solutions. Reject impossible, immoral, or illegal solutions at this time.
6. Decide on the best solution or at least a solution you are both willing to implement.
7. Implement the solution. Take action!
8. Evaluate the solution. How well did the solution work? Do you need to try another solution? If so, go back to your list, select another solution and implement it.
9. Start over with another problem.
     

If you have gone through this process and still are having difficulty it is time to bring in a third party with some training in the area of conflict resolution. This may be a clergy person, counselor, or mediation specialist. Remember, REAL marriages have conflicts. The good marriages work through their problems and the bad ones give up. Work through those conflicts so that you can have a happy REAL marriage.

This coming Sunday is Father’s Day. Please send an appropriate card to your father, make a phone call to him, and if you can go see him. Father’s need to know they are appreciated. Father’s do so much for us and much of it is unseen and unknown to us. Give your father a “thank you” for all the stuff he did you did not know he did.

For some of you Father’s Day is painful. You may never have had a father around or the father you had did not do a good job of being a father. I’m sorry you had to go through that or are going through that challenge. Other’s of you have had your father pass away. It is almost 20 years since my father passed away and while we did not always get along there are some things I wish I could have shared with him since he has passed away.

For those without good earthly fathers I have two suggestions. First, remember that there is a heavenly father you can turn too at any time. Second, there are good men older than you who will befriend you if you look in the right places.

For everyone I wish you a Happy Father’s Day.

Prayer is important to me and to many people throughout the world. I believe prayer changes circumstances and people. I received an e-mail today from another person that believes prayer is important and that e-mail contained the following link: www.placeofprayer.org. I pass this along in case it is of interest to you.

I encourage you to pray for your marriage every day, the marriages of your friends, and marriage in general every day. I think it is good for you and your spouse to pray together and have a regular devotional time. There are plenty of devotional books out there for couples so you don’t have to figure out what you are going to do each day. Susan and I are currently using the Marriage Devotional Bible which is a Bible with the devotionals included. Using this tool makes it easy to have devotional time together. Find something you and your spouse will use and have those devotionals.

Couples who have devotionals together and have similar religious beliefs have extra resources in making their REAL marriage.

You cannot not communicate. Everything you do communicates a message. I encourage you to be deliberate, consistent, honest, and polite in your communication. Research shows that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is voice, meaning tone, rate, pitch, and volume of your voice, and 7% is the words or content. This information is especially important to us guys who often rely on what we said, meaning our words. Of course the other person, often our wives, are listening to our body language and the voice we use when we say the words and they are believing the 93% of communication that is not the words.

It is possible to say difficult things in honest and polite ways. It takes more effort though it is worth it. I encourage you to communicate about difficult things early before they become too big. This kind of communication is much easier than having the really big dreaded discussion.

Make sure to set aside some time every day for speaking with one another. Tell each other the good things that happened, share successes, share frustrations, ask for and offer support, and make sure to say, “I love you.” Set aside special time to deal with really difficult topics and problem solving.

Real people in REAL marriages have all kinds of communication. Follow the basic ideas listed here for 30 days and see what happens to your REAL marriage.