REAL Marriage

Loyalty is not only an Army value it is essential to marriage. The Army says this about loyalty: “Bear true faith and allegiance to the U.S. Constitution, the Army, your unit, and other soldiers.” This is what is means to be loyal in the Army.

What does it mean to be loyal in your marriage? “Bear true faith and allegiance to God, your spouse, your family, and all others.” God is clearly on the side of “true faith” in marriage. The seventh commandment is, “You shall not commit adultery.” The New Testament also holds marriage in honor while denouncing adultery. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”

Research is also on the side of loyalty. More and more studies are coming out demonstrating the benefits of intact committed marriages. Other studies demonstrate the negative effects of divorce in most cases. Together this information lets us know that remaining loyal to our spouse is good for us and prevents many things that are bad for us.

Talk with your spouse about your expectations for loyalty in your marriage and listen to your spouse’s expectations of loyalty. Once these expectations are on the table figure out how you are going to meet them on a daily basis. This will look different for each couple. For instance, I have decided not to dance with another woman other than my wife. I imposed this on myself and I think it is a good way of maintaining loyalty. You might give thought to such things when designing your plan to remain loyal.

In the military there are frequent times of separation for TDY, training, deployment, and many other reasons so it is important to have a plan for remaining loyal. There is an enemy out there who is happy to see your marriage go bad and it is your job to fight and win the war against that enemy. “What happens in Korea (on TDY or at AT) stays in Korea” is not true and it is not loyal. Your proactive plan to remain loyal will keep your marriage strong and set a good example for those around you.

I have yet to meet a soldier who plans on betraying their country and all soldiers are exposed to the Army values, the Soldier’s Creed, and the Warrior Ethos to help them remain loyal. No one wants the label of “traitor.” Remain loyal to your spouse and avoid the label “traitor” in your marriage. Remember your marriage vows and develop your plan for remaining loyal so that you will remain loyal no matter what the enemy throws at you.

All marriages go through difficult times. Remaining loyal will help you have a REAL Marriage.

This is the introduction to a series of blog entries about the Army Values and Marriage. The United States Army has seven values that are taught to every soldier. These are Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless-Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage. The first letters form “LDRSHIP” or “Leadership.” This is how we remember the values.

Everyone has values and those values influence your behavior. I talk about REAL Marriage being Romantic, Encouraging, Adaptable, and Loving. These are values. I believe that a marriage can be good, and most likely great, if both members practice, or behave according to, these four values. I also believe that the Army values have something to say about marriage and that if both spouses take a “LDRSHIP” role in the marriage then they will add value to their marriage.

Follow along for the next seven blog entries to find out how the Army values can make a positive difference in your REAL Marriage.

Hello all! I’m back from military duty and able to blog once again. A REAL Marriage has to deal with things like military duty and illness. At the moment, my REAL Marriage is dealing with illness. My illness. I have had sinus trouble for over two weeks now which took some of the fun out of good military training. It has also taken some of the fun out of being home. It turns out I have a sinus infection.

When many of us married our vows contained a line about “in sickness and in health.” Susan has been great about dealing with my current illness. She (and the boys) went with me to the doctor. I’m sure it was boring for them but it was great support for me and helped my spirits even if it could not help me physically. She has cooked and taken care of household chores giving me a break from those things. She has massaged my face, bought more facial tissues (the soft lotion ones which feel better) and put up with the noise of me blowing my nose.

 Such things don’t readily come to mind when we think of good marriages. We like to think of candle lit dinners, soft music, long conversations, not microwave chicken patties, nose blowing, and “Can we go to bed? I feel horrible.” all said in a stuffed nose accent. But these things are part of a REAL Marriage. Susan gets big points for taking care of me during all of this.

My illness is relatively mild compared to some things some of you are dealing with in your REAL Marriage. Coping with illness is not fun but it is important. You can build some very strong bonds when you help your spouse through illness whether minor or major. When your spouse is ill you have an opportunity to demonstrate your love in practical ways and with your commitment. This becomes your time to shine and make big deposits in both the love and trust banks.

Illness is part of every REAL Marriage. Use it to strengthen your marriage and take comfort that you have a REAL Marriage.

Stay in touch with your spouse. It is important to stay in touch with your spouse on a daily basis even if you are far away. I am about to spend two weeks away from my spouse because of military duty. I have already pre-addressed an envelope for each day that I am away and I have enough stamps for each of those envelopes. Each day I will write a letter to my spouse and each of my boys and put them in an envelope and put it in the mail. All it took was a few minutes and now I am ready. I even have address labels I printed from my computer for my wife and each son. This made the process easier and it means that each son will receive a letter addressed specifically to him though the envelope will contain letters to the other family members as well. One envelope with three letters and I stay in touch with everyone.

Along with letters I will call each day. Those cell phone plans with free calls to anyone else in the network are great when you are a long distance away. With that plan I can call numerous times each day if I want and it doesn’t cost anything extra. This is the main reason we chose the company and plan that we have.

Staying in touch is not hard. Staying in touch is a purposeful decision and means being proactive against the busyness of life that may distract us from staying in touch with our spouse, or anyone else we care about. Stay in touch with your spouse and it will enrich your REAL Marriage.

Take a look at the REAL Marriage logo at the top of the page. You’ll notice that it is two hearts because two hearts come together in marriage. Both of these hearts have rough edges as do all people who enter marriage. We’re not perfect but we can still have a REAL Marriage. The hearts are joined and overlap though not completely. In marriage we have areas of overlap with our spouse and yet we have areas that are still ours. We become a “we” while retaining a “me.”

I believe this logo is a powerful explanation of marriage. A REAL Marriage is two people with rough edges who come together and produce different rough edges. A couple in a REAL Marriage takes their separate “colors” and become a new color together. This couple stays together and works things out even though there are rough edges. The couple realizes that it is not all rough since while the edges are rough the inside of the hearts is smooth. A REAL Marriage has rough edges and smooth times. The longer you are married the more likely the smooth places and times get bigger while the rough edges become less rough and painful. The longer you are married the more you realize that the smooth is better than the rough and it helps you get through the rough times.

Decide to take marriage with all it entails and you will have a REAL Marriage.

A REAL love note can be just one part of REAL (Romantic, Encouraging, Adaptable, Loving or other words starting with those letters) and still be a great love note. Today, concentrate on the “R” in REAL. This means I will write a romantic love note. Remember, you get to define what the letters mean and the particular definition. A romantic love note probably looks different from me than from you and that’s ok.

Give that “R” love note today and enjoy your REAL Marriage.

I love the outdoors and I also respect nature greatly. Nature is beautiful and yet is has its dangers. Marriage is beautiful and it also has its dangers. I am working on analogies between nature and marriage so feel free to send your analogies in the comments.

Because I like the outdoors so much I am also interested in “survival” information. This has to do with knowing what to do when beautiful nature becomes dangerous nature. We all hear stories of people who get lost while hiking, get stranded, or some other emergency. Often these people are unprepared for what they are doing. Hikers take off without a map, compass, signaling device or any gear but what they are wearing. This is unwise. I tend to go the other direction and take to much gear. Some people make fun of me and my reply is, “I’m not going to die dumb.” I am not going to die because I couldn’t make a fire, couldn’t signal, or couldn’t make a shelter. Many people who are injured or who die do so because they were not prepared. Many marriages have troubles or end up in divorce because the two people entering the marriage were not prepared.

Over time I will develop these thoughts and I invite you to come on the journey with me. When we prepare well we will be able to not only survive the marriage emergencies but we will be able to come through them and enjoy the beauty that marriage has to offer. Stay prepared and you will enjoy your REAL Marriage.