REAL Marriage

When we go hiking or playing in the outdoors we should take along a first aid kit. As we hike together through our marriage journey we need a first aid kit. A first aid kit is there to treat injuries like a scraped knee, broken bone, or worse. We need a first aid kit to treat the injuries of marriage such as being rude, forgetting a special day, or worse.

You can find the contents for an outdoors first aid kit online with a simple search. Here are some items I believe need to be in your marriage first aid kit.

Make-up rituals. Find or invent some rituals for making up after one of you has injured the other in your marriage. Also have rituals for helping one another when one of you has been hurt from outside the marriage. For example, when something bad has happened at work we may need a little first aid at home from our spouse even though the spouse didn’t cause the injury.

REAL Love Notes. REAL Love Notes are primarily for making regular deposits in the love bank though you can use them as first aid too.

Apologies. I have had to apologize for my behavior more times then I can remember. I have yet to meet anyone who has never had to apologize for something. I had to learn how to apologize well. We have all heard apologies that sound more like excuses or sometimes like the apology is a way to blame us for the other person’s bad behavior. Here are some guidelines for a good apology from Janis Abrahms Spring in her book How Can I Forgive You?:

1. Take responsibility for the damage you caused.
2. Make your apology personal.
3. Make your apology specific.
4. Make your apology deep (apologize for the whole truth of what you did)
5. Make your apology heartfelt
6. Make your apology clean (no buts or qualifications)
7. Apologize repeatedly

Reparative actions. Sometimes we need to repair the damage we have done or the hurt we have caused. This could be a good apology, a favorite candy bar, flowers, or it may need to be big like a trip to Hawaii.

Forgiveness. Forgiveness is important.� Scripture tells us to forgive and now research indicates that forgiveness is a good idea. Here are some things to remember about forgiveness that I have gleaned from a number of writers:

1. Forgiveness is not saying the behavior is okay.
2. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Later you will feel and think differently about what happened though.
3. Forgiveness is a process and may have to be done many times for the same action.
4. Forgiveness means no longer requiring something of the person who wronged you regarding the offense for which you are forgiving. Once forgiveness is complete the person no longer has to “pay.”
5. Forgiveness is needed for hurts that are personal, unfair, and deep (not for accidently stepping on your toe or for “stealing” the covers for which a simple apology is all that is needed).
6. Forgiveness is needed when we hate which means we only want revenge, not to make things better.
7. Forgiveness may or may not bring about reconciliation.

Steps to Forgiveness:

1. Clearly identify the issue to be forgiven.
2. Determine how often you will get together to work on the issue.
3. Talk about how you feel and how you have been affected by the issue.
4. The one who committed the offense askes for forgiveness.
5. The hurt person offers forgiveness.
6. The one who committed the ofense demonstrates a change in beliefs and actions that allowed the offense to happen.
7. The person who committed the offense agrees to make reparation for the offense.
8. If possible, reconciliation occurs.
9. Both people move on in life.

All good first aid kits are personalized to the person using it. I have offered some basic suggestions for your marriage first aid kit so personalize it for your use.  Please send in your items that are not mentioned here so we can share them with everyone.

Stock up your marriage first aid kit to heal the hurts and maintain a healthy REAL Marriage.

Now that it is Fall give your loved one a REAL Love Note with the theme, “I fall in love with you again every day,” or something similar. Use fall colors for the card stock and it is not hard to find stickers of fall leaves for decoration. Depending on your card stock color you might even be able to use a gold gel ink pen for writing your message.

Go ahead, write that note and fall in love with your loved one all over again.

As we continue our marriage hike and discussing the items necessary to keeping it safe and enjoyable today we talk about sunglasses. I’m not talking about rose colored glasses, those are not recommended.

The purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes and your eyesight. On a related side note: The Army is issuing “ballistic” sunglasses to troops in Iraq which protect from sun and also offer some protection from flying debris and shrapnel. They do work as I have personally seen while visiting a troop in a Baghdad hospital after he was involved in an IED explosion. The Army now refers to these sunglasses as “eye armor.”

I give you that information to suggest that we need sunglasses or “eye armor” while on our marriage hike. We need to protect our eyes from seeing things they shouldn’t see. Our eyes need to be “armored up” against things that would harm our marriage. Pay attention to your spouse and don’t look for alternatives. Don’t look for greener grass, instead pay attention to your own “lawn.” Focus your eyes on your REAL Marriage and let your sunglasses help you see it clearly while keeping the “sun” or other “debris” out of your eyes.

So put on those sunglasses and enjoy your hike to your REAL Marriage.

“Learn from other’s mistakes rather than making them all yourself.” Unknown

This is true in marriage as well which is why the resource page is so important. Feel free to share your mistakes and your successes with others here in the blog. Together we can learn to have a REAL Marriage.

I am continuing the analogy between marriage and hiking and being outdoors. The experts recommend taking extra clothes on your hike since you never know what is going to happen to you or how the weather is going to change. Having personally experienced the need for extra clothes on a hiking trip I believe what these folks are saying. The same is true for marriage.

No, I’m not talking about shopping for that extra pair of jeans, another skirt, or fun sweater. On our hike through marriage I think the extra clothes (read “things that protect us when things change”) are the deposits in the love and trust banks. Hopefully you have read those entries in the blog already and if not just search for Love Bank and Trust Bank. When “the weather” gets rough in our marriages and our “tiny ship is tossed” (yes, it is a Gilligan’s Island reference) what will get us through are the built up accounts in the love and trust banks. Most of us are willing to stick with someone we love and trust.

So, to get through the tough hikes and changing weather make sure to have along the extra clothes of big accounts in the love and trust banks. With extra clothes you will be warm and comfortable in your REAL Marriage.

It is good to take extra food on a hike in case you get lost or have an accident and have to be out longer than you planned. Well, those of us who are married know that sometimes we get lost in our marriages or have accidents in our marriages and we need something extra to carry us through.

In my mind the “extra food” for our marriages consists of having good skills, practicing those skills, and learning new skills for our marriage. We do this by reading books, going to seminars, and being concerned about our personal growth as a spouse. Other types of personal growth are good and even necessary yet our primary reason for growing is to be a better spouse not just a better person. We want to grow our relationship not grow out of it.

We all know what a stagnant body of water looks and smells like and this is a good analogy for marriage. We do not want our marriage to be stagnant, otherwise known as non-moving and stinky. Bodies of water that have ways to take in new water and ways to let out water stay fresh. As individuals we need to take in new ideas and information and have outlets for letting out frustrations, concerns, and negative thoughts. The intake is the books, seminars, and skill practice. The outlet can be our spouse and yet we also need some other outlets. Find people who are friends of your marriage to use here and make them a same sex friend. This may be clergy, a counselor, or a close and trusted friend.Â

So make sure to have extra food and you will be able to feed your REAL Marriage.

I have discovered today that I have yet to blog about the trust bank. I do have an article on the trust bank in the resource section of the website under articles. This entry is the short and sweet version.

Everyone has a trust bank with everyone else. When people do trustworthy things it is a deposit and their account with you grows and when they break that trust it is a withdrawal and their account shrinks. Trust and love are not the same thing though there is often a link. You can trust someone and not love them. It is also possible to not trust someone and love them very much though I don’t know how long that love will last without trust.

To make deposits in another’s trust bank make sure that you do what you say you are going to do. Tell the truth, be where you say you are going to be, and if something comes up, call and explain the situation. Hold confidences that people entrust you with and don’t talk about people behind their back unless you are going to say something they will perceive as being nice or complimentary about them.

Trust is essential to marriage. Make daily deposits in your spouse’s trust bank and you will also grow your REAL Marriage.

The Power of Commitment. Scott M. Stanley.

Commitment is one of those things we talk about and yet don’t always understand very well. We know we need to be committed and yet we are not sure how to go about it. Scott Stanley does a great job of explaining commitment, what it is and how it works. He then describes some myths that get in the way of commitment and how to overcome those myths. He finishes the book by showing you how to increase your commitment in your marriage and reap the benefits of a committed marriage. I recommend this book to all couples.

Keep your commitment to your spouse and your marriage strong and you will have a REAL Marriage.

Good To Great And The Social Sectors by Jim Collins is worth the hour or less it will takeyou to read it. I bought and read it today and I believe it has good insights and thought stimulators for anyone in the service sector which includes churches, marriage & family ministries, and organizations that provide service of some kind.

In this monograph Collins outlines the Good to Great Framework - Concept Summary and challenges you to think about how your orgainzation can move from Good to Great. Read it so we can have more great organizations helping people have a REAL Marriage.

A flashlight provides light so you can see where you are going. This fits well with the previous entries. The map shows us the “lay of the land” for where we want to go, the compass gives us direction for getting where we want to go, and the flashlight lights or illuminates the way.

My suggestion for a marriage or marital flashlight is a couple inventory. This works great for those thinking about marriage - use a premarital inventory and for those already on the journey - use a marital inventory. These inventories allow both spouses (spouses-to-be) to answer questions about the relationship and then provides feedback regarding those answers. Usually the feedback is provided to a trained facilitator or counselor. Many clergy are trained facilitators of these inventories.

Which inventory do we use? You get to choose. Three that I know of are, RELATE, FOCCUS, and PREPARE/ENRICH. I am partial to the PREPARE/ENRICH set of inventories as I am trained in the use of those inventories.

I am convinced though, that a couple who uses an inventory will shine a light on their relationship that will allow them to use map and compass to get to their destination of a REAL Marriage.