REAL Marriage

Thursday November 2, 2006 is National Men Make Dinner Day. Guys - plan on making dinner that day. That’s right, making dinner, not taking her out to dinner. Send her a REAL Love Note made by you that is an invitation to the dinner you are going to make. Be sure to cook at least one of her favorites for this dinner.

Saturday November 4, 2006 is Sadie Hawkins Day. This is the day the ladies ask out the guys. I know we don’t need a special day for that anymore but it is fun anyway and a good excuse. Ladies, be sure to send your guy a REAL Love Note asking him out for Sadie Hawkins Day.

“As bees their sting, so the promiscuous leave behind them in each encounter something of themselves by which they are made to suffer.” Cyril Connolly

“A man and a woman in an intimate relationship, especially a marriage, treat one another with cruelty that they woud never consider directing toward anyone who meant less to them.” Michael Vincent Miller

The above quote is a sad and shameful truth that happens too often. Even when angry, hurt, or truly wronged it is not right to be cruel to your spouse (or anyone else for that matter). Be kind as often as you can and at least appropriate when kindness is difficult so that you can enjoy your REAL Marriage.

Everyone has needs. Everyone has wants. Sometimes these two get confused. We need air, water, and food. We don’t need a new tool or a new piece of furniture - these are wants. This is the most basic level of the needs - wants discussion. From here it gets more complicated and there are authors who will expound at length about these ideas. (See Willard Harley and Emerson Eggerichs in the books area of the resource page of this site.)

Needs are linked to expectations. Often when we have an expectation about something we turn it into a need. So make sure you know your own expectations and make sure you ask your spouse about his or her expectations. Once you have those on paper (yes, you really do need to write these down) it is good to then figure out what you think your needs are and then carefully look at them to determine which are needs and which are wants. It is okay to move up a few levels here in the need department and add things like safety, security, love, acceptance, etc. Once you have figured out your needs it is time to ask your spouse about his or her needs. Both of you need to be honest and assertive (politely asking for what you need) so that you both understand the needs of your spouse.

Once you both have an understanding of the other’s needs, to his or her satisfaction, then it is time to talk about how you are going to meet each other’s needs. Remember, if it truly is a need (or even a strong enough want) of your spouse then your spouse will have to get that need met somehow by someone. If it is not you then it may be someone else. It is preferrable when spouses meet each other’s needs.

A quick reality check here: No one is able to meet all the needs of another person. We will have friends other then our spouse and probably some interests that our spouse does not truly share. However, you need to be clear with one another which needs may only be met by the spouse. Sexual fulfillment is one need or area that should only be met within marriage and with your spouse.

With clear communication you can both get your needs met in ways that are acceptable to both of you. So put those needs down on paper, make sure they are needs, and talk about how you will meet each other’s needs. Meeting each other’s needs is part of your REAL Marriage.

“Love is being stupid together.” Paul Valery

Doing silly things together really enhances your REAL Marriage.

Halloween is a good time for funny off the wall type of REAL Love Notes. Trace your left hand on card stock or construction paper and draw a wedding ring on the ring finger. Cut it out and write this message, “I’m giving you my hand in marriage again.”

Keep those REAL Love Notes going and you will have a REAL Marriage.

“I’ve learned that being a success at the office is not worth it if it means being a failure at home.”

From the book, Live and Learn and Pass It On.

Using multiple resources is a great way to keep your marriage REAL. Since you are reading this blog I recommend that when you are finished you click on “REAL Resources” on your left for some good resources.

Reading a good book on marriage or some aspect of marriage can keep you REAL. Ask your friends what books they have read that have made a positive difference in their marriage. Some are long, some are short, and some are great for thumbing through for an idea without having to spend much time reading. Read at least one book a year.

Going to seminars on marriage is often a good way to jump start some REAL action in your marriage. There are many good seminars out there from fairly inexpensive to big bucks. Go to at least one marriage seminar a year.

Movies can be another resource. There are a number of movies out that portray good values and positive things about marriage. There are some that do not and yet even these can be a springboard for discussion about your marriage. When it comes to movies as a resource the idea is to keep thinking about your marriage and what you want to happen in your marriage. Discuss the movie afterward and talk about what you thought was a good example for marriage and how you would like to incorporate those things into your marriage or talk about what you thought was a bad example for marriage and how you want to avoid that in your marriage.

There are also games you can play and cards to give you conversation ideas. When it comes to resources you simply need to keep your eyes open. Valentines day is a great time to pick up some of these things.

So start gathering those resources and enjoy a life long REAL Marriage.

I received an e-mail today telling me about a Wall Street Journal article in which several marriage experts are trying to head off infidelity before it happens. I think this is a great idea and it has been my approach all along.

The most important tool you have in preventing infidelity is a plan to remain faithful. Very few people plan on being unfaithful when they marry. The problem is that they do not have a plan for remaining faithful. This is the difference between not planning and planning.

Not planning on being unfaithful is not planning. It is not having a plan. With something as serious as your marriage not having a plan is a bad thing. If you don’t have a plan someone else will and you may not like their plan.

Planning to stay faithful gives you a plan for doing the right thing. It is much easier to avoid the wrong thing when your are actively planning and acting on doing the right thing - like staying faithful.

You need to come up with your own plan since everyone is different. Here are two ideas that I think work well in any plan though. First, do not talk to someone of the opposite sex about problems with your spouse. Second, do not do anything with someone of the opposite sex that you would not do in front of God, your spouse, your children, and your mother.

Make your plan for staying faithful and you will have a faithful REAL Marriage.

There are a couple of angles to the idea of feeding your marriage. Today’s angle has to do with food and eating together. It is a good thing to eat together on a regular basis. In today’s fast paced society it is some times hard for couples to find time to have a meal together and even harder for families with teens to get everyone together for a meal. We need to eat together.

Eating together is a time of celebration, a time to check in with each other, a time of renewal. The more often we do it the better off we are. For couples I suggest that you get together for a meal as a couple only at least once a week. You need time to be with each other as a couple. Lunch works well for this purpose although any meal together alone will work.

I like to use lunch because my boys are in school. This means that Susan and I can go out to eat together or we can eat together at home and have time just for the two of us. You do not have to eat out all of the time, peanut butter sandwiches at home allow you to be together and save money at the same time.Â

It is the being together that feeds your marriage. If you don’t eat you will starve and if you don’t feed your marriage it will starve. Go without food long enough and you die and if your marriage goes long enough without “food” it will die as well. So keep your marriage alive and “feed” it often. Use the idea in this entry, eating a meal together, to feed your marriage and keep it healthy.

Keep your marriage well fed and it will more likely be a REAL Marriage.