REAL Marriage

It is the time of year when we think about giving gifts. If we try not to think about then the advertisers overwhelm us with messages about how their product is the “perfect gift this holiday season.” Bah humbug! That’s for the advertisers - not the season.

If you want to know what the perfect gift for your spouse is then ask him or her. “That ruins the surprise,” you say. Let’s think about that. You can give your spouse a gift you know he or she wants and it may not be a surprise or you can surprise your spouse with an unwanted or possibly argument producing gift. Which of these sounds better to you?

Of course another option is that you have been observing your spouse and know the kind of things your spouse would like to receive as gifts. You have heard the things mentioned off hand (or sometimes blatantly) and you have paid attention to what catches your spouse’s eye when the commercials are on or you are walking through the store. You know which page of that catalog keeps getting turned to or which web page has been bookmarked so you know what to buy.Â

It is always a good idea to keep a list of things to buy for your spouse. That way you are not at a loss when the Christmas season, anniversary, birthday, or other reason for giving a gift comes up. Anytime your spouse says, “That’s cool,” or “I’d like to have one of those,” it is something to put on the list.

Another good idea is to stay within your budget when gift buying. If you buy your budget watching spouse a gift that breaks the budget then your spouse will worry about the money and not enjoy the gift. Better to buy that pair of fleece pajamas or that power screwdriver than to buy the diamond tennis bracelet or new bass boat if you really can’t afford the high priced gifts.

Now is the time of year when we think more about gift giving and yet anytime is a good time to give your spouse a gift. I recommend frequent gift giving of the small variety. One of my favorites, of course, is REAL Love Notes.  These notes are a small gift with big meaning. Favorite candies are another fun gift and so are the small, under $5, trinkets that you know will bring a smile to your spouse’s face. Try a Pez dispenser, jacks, a bouncy ball, or a small stuffed animal.

When giving gifts to your spouse remember:

1. Listen and observe so you know what to give.
2. Ask what your spouse wants.
3. Stay within your budget.
4. Small gifts are okay.
5. Give gifts frequently.

So get out there and finish your shopping early so you can give your spouse the gift or gifts he or she really wants. This kind of gift giving will put the “merry” in your REAL Marriage.

“The price of greatness is responsibility.” Sir Winston Churchill

If you want a great marriage you need to take responsibility for making it great.

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” Sir Winston Churchill

Look for the opportunities in everything in your marriage and your optimism will enrich your REAL Marriage.

What are the symbols of marriage? I bet you immediately said “rings.” Ok. Now tell me other symbols of marriage. The list narrows quickly here in the United States. Once you mention wedding ring there is little, if anything, else that automatically says to everyone, “I’m married.”

For many of us there are other symbols. I have a friendship bracelet from my wife which is a reminder to me of our marriage and our love for each other (I gave her one at the same time). I keep a wallet sized wedding picture, of us, in my wallet. I keep a recent picture in my wallet and a bunch of them in my study/office. A couple of gifts from my wife hang from my rearview mirror in the car. These remind me that I am married and I use them to tell my marriage story to others.

These other marriage symbols have a number of uses. First, they are a reminder to us. They become an even more important reminder when we attach positive happy feelings to these symbols and rehearse these feelings when we see the symbols. They become an injection of happiness and stimulator of positive thoughts about our spouses. These symbols become recurring deposits in the love bank.Â

Second, these symbols give us an illustration to use in telling our marriage story. Remember, we want to tell others about all of the positive things our spouse does and how much they mean to us. By doing this we are rehearsing the positive and strengthening our relationship and we are also letting others know we are married. When you let others know you are married and you are clear about it you “take yourself off the market” so to speak. You let others know that you are exclusive to your spouse.

Third, to go along with the previous paragraph, these symbols are a boundry. It is good to have a boundry around your marriage. This boundry can keeps some things within your marriage and keeps others out of certain parts of your marriage. This is appropriate. Your marriage is you and your spouse, and for those of Judeo-Christian belief, God. These boundaries help us to remain faithful and are, hopefully, a barrier to others.Â

I know that many people do not care if the person they are interested in is married or not and that some people even look for married people to have a relationship with. This is wrong. I have said before that sex belongs in marriage and nowhere else so yes I think it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage. To have sex with a married person other than your spouse (adultery) is not anymore “wrong” but it certainly is more damaging. At the least there is a third person, the spouse, who is hurt by this behavior and if there are children there are even more. Also, adultery often hurts extended family and friends. The emotional pain is overwhelming and there are other negative effects such as poor health, depression, missed work, and money spent on therapy or divorce.

We need to bring back the recognition of symbols of marriage and a respect for marriage and these symbols. While in college I was at a restaurant with friends and one of by buddies thought the waitress was attractive. After we left he spent most of the night talking about the waitress and decided he wanted to ask her out. He made it a point to notice that she was not wearing a wedding ring. So we went back to the restaurant and he asked her out. This is when he found out she was married but did not wear her ring at work because she did not want to mess it up. He was very embarassed and apologized profusely. We ribbed him good for the rest of the night. The point is he never would have asked her out if he knew she was married because he (and the rest of us) respected that boundry. When we strengthen the symbols of marriage we do more to prevent infidelity.

We need to be supporters of marriage. We need to recognize the symbols of marriage and what they mean. When we do this we will find our own marriages improving and I believe we will see society as a whole improve. Use the symbols of marriage to protect and enrich your REAL Marriage.

Â

Yes, this is a post about the pending Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock divorce. The couple has been married four months and already they are divorcing. Where was the premarital counseling for this couple? I doubt it occurred at all. I also doubt that the overall environment that Ms. Anderson and Mr. Ritchie live in is very supportive of marriage.

So, my encouragement to all of you out there is to work hard on your marriage so that you don’t have to experience divorce. Working on your marriage is enjoyable and much of it does not feel like work. The rest is worth the payoff.

For those of you who are not married but think you will be one day - please get premarital education or counseling and make sure you use an inventory like PREPARE or FOCCUS. You can learn the skills that will help you have a REAL Marriage if you take the time to learn them. Again, the effort is worth the payoff.

Learn from the celebrities and don’t make their mistakes. Prepare well so you can have a lasting REAL Marriage.

Now that it is getting colder it is time to give some REAL Love Notes on bright colored paper. A good message on these cold days has to do with how much your loved one warms your heart. Another message is how you want to spend some time “getting warm” next to your loved one. Give him or her that REAL Love Note and see if it does not warm up your REAL Marriage.

“See a need, fill a need.” Big Weld from the Disney movie Robots.

Marriages would go much smoother if each spouse kept this quote in mind. Do you see a need around your home or yard? Then fill it. Do what it takes to take care of that need. See a need in your spouse? Fill it before your spouse asks. Has your spouse told you of a need? Fill it.

Start filling the needs you see and you will have a full REAL Marriage.

National Conversation Week goes through the 26th so you have until Sunday to have an extra excuse to have a conversation. Of course you don’t really need an excuse, you can have a conversation just about anytime. You newly married folks are still talking about all kinds of things, especially now that the holidays are here and especially if you didn’t cover that topic before you got married. Be loving and kind and it will work out.

You folks who have been married a while may be saying, “We’ve already talked about everything.” Really? As we get older we often learn more and sometimes our views change. Talk about those changing views with your spouse. Talk about the holidays and what they mean to you now. Talk about how you want holidays to go once your children marry and then have their own children.

Talk about the changes in technology and what you think of them. Are cell phones a good thing or a bad thing, do they help or hinder? Talk about the headlines on you homepage, on the nightly news, or in the newspaper. How do you feel and what do you think about what is happening in Iraq, Darfur, Brazil, Chile, China, Iran, and on the Korean Penisula?

You can always get deep and philosophical. What is the role of government? What is your role and responsibility as a citizen, spouse, parent, employee, family member, and even as a world citizen? What is our country’s role as a world citizen? What do I think about faith and religion? How does my faith and/or religion influence my roles and responsibilities? What does it take to really enjoy life? Am I doing everything I can to enjoy life? What can I do to make my marriage a REAL Marriage?

As you can see there is no end to the topics and the good stimulating conversation you can have. Even better, you can have that conversation while going for a walk together which provides exercise and hopefully some time outside.

Well, I’ve been called to supper where I plan to have some good family conversation. Take advantage of National Conversation Week and have some conversations that will enrich your REAL Marriage.

What are you Thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day 2006? It is a good idea to frequently give thought to what we are thankful for and not save it all for one day. Keep a list and add to it as you get more for which you are thankful. There is a book titled 14,000 things to be happy about by Barbara Ann Kipfer which in my view is also 14,000 things to be thankful for.

Since this blog is mainly about marriage I suggest you make a list of things you are thankful for about your spouse. Keep that list handy and look at it often. It will help you appreciate your spouse more and help you through those rough times. I also suggest you share that list with your spouse so that your spouse knows you are thankful for him or her.

Thankfulness is an important part of your REAL Marriage.

I just looked at the two shelves of books in my study that are my “to read” books. Twelve of those books have something to do with marriage and five have to do with infidelity. That does not count the current book I am reading on marriage, the five I have already read this year, or the many others already on my shelves.Â

Okay, I know it is part of my job to do this reading and your job doesn’t pay you to read books on improving your marriage. My point is to encourage you to keep reading (there is obviously plenty of good material) about marriage so that you can continue to do good things in your marriage. This kind of reading gives you plenty of things to talk about in your marriage. Talk to your spouse about what you are reading. You may think it is good or you may think it is baloney yet either way it gives you something to talk about.

Other reading can also spark some fun, interesting, or necessary conversations. I read an article a few days ago which I thought had some good ideas. I passed it along to Susan and now we can talk about the article. We have had a brief discussion already which I think sparked an idea for her though I haven’t asked if it is where she got the idea. Confused? Don’t worry, Susan and I understand and you can understand how sharing with your spouse what you read can be a tool in maintaining your REAL Marriage.