REAL Marriage

This is a quick list of basic essentials for a marriage and family ministry.

1. A marriage or family related class offering each year or all of the time for larger congregations.
2. Class offerings that address the family situations of your congregation each year. Try not to leave anyone out.
3. A marriage policy at your congregation that requires premarital counseling to include an inventory.
4. At least one sermon each year specifically about marriage.
5. At least one marriage event for your congregation each year.

These essentials should fit a congregation of about any size. Be proactive about marriage at your congregation so that all of your couples can have a REAL Marriage.

“Beating around the bush just stirs up dirt and clouds the issue.” Jim Maxwell

“The sexual impulse is God-given, and it must be God-guided.” James Earl Massey

It is a common misconception that people who enter an affair do so because they are not getting what they need with their spouse. The truth is that in most cases the person who enters into an affair is not giving much to their spouse. Once you stop investing in your spouse and in your marriage it becomes easier to enter into an affair. After all, if you are not investing much in your marriage then you have time to spend somewhere else.

Remember that an affair is always a choice. No one makes anyone have an affair. If your marriage is not giving you what you need you can choose to be unhappy about it and go elsewhere or you can choose to do something positive about your marriage to relieve your unhappiness. Start investing in your marriage and it will become more valuable to you and we generally take better care of things that are valuable to us.

Any excitement you have with an affair partner you can have with your spouse if you do the right things. Any needs you get met by an affair partner can be met by your spouse as long as they are legitimate needs. Usually you simply need to clearly let your spouse know your needs. To often we expect our spouses to “just know” what we need or that they would know “if they really loved us.” Baloney! No one is a mind reader and beating around the bush only stirs up dirt and clouds the issue even more. Be honest, direct, and polite and you will be amazed at the good that happens.

One way to avoid affairs is to invest in your spouse and invest in your marriage. Make these investments and cash in on your REAL Marriage. 

The number one reason people give me for no longer dating as a married couple is that they do not have anyone to watch their children. Given how much we move in today’s society there is truth in this idea. We often no longer live near family and the frequent moves mean we haven’t made as many friends as when we lived in the same place for a long time.

Start your own “date night child care co-op.” Talk to co-workers, members at your church, or your children’s friends parents. Be bold and get to know these people and offer to watch their children so they can go out on a date. Tell them you want to organize a co-op so you can all go out with your spouses at least once a month.

Approach one of the ministers from your church and suggest that the church do a parent’s/kid’s night out at least once a month. Be really bold and offer to organize that ministry yourself.

Those of you who attend larger churches can bring up the idea to your marriage and family ministry leader or minister. A program that allows parents to have a date will make a positive difference in their marriages which will also have a positive impact on their family. Churches can make a big difference in their communities by positively impacting marriages and families.

So make those friends, start that co-op, be a part of that ministry, or all three so that you can make sure there is someone to watch your children for you to have a date night. A regular date night will help you enjoy your REAL Marriage.

Premarital education has a number of purposes depending on who you talk to and when you talk to them. Most people in the marriage field agree on the basic reasons for premarital education though.

Skill Learning - Premarital education is a great place to either learn or improve some basic skills such as listening, having a conversation, conflict resolution, budgeting, and goal setting. The better you are at these skills the more likely you will be satisfied in your marriage.

Relationship evaluation - It is during premarital education that you get an opportunity to evaluate your relationship, to look at its strengths, its challenges, and to think about how much you want to spend the rest of your life with the person you are thinking about marrying. This portion of your premarital education really needs an outside person who can give you a premarital inventory and help you look at your relationship realisticly.

We often think we know all about the person we want to marry and then we start our premarital education and find out there is plenty we have not talked about yet. Premartial education helps you look at a broad array of subjects and encourages you to share your expecatations about those subjects. Premarital education will help you look beyond the next few months or even the first year to discuss how topics will impact you three, five, ten or more years into your marriage. You may not think your different religious backgrounds matter much but those differences may become more important when your children come along. It is good to talk about that before you are married and know what is coming instead of arguing about it later.

Team building - As you go through premarital education and get to know each other even better you learn how to work as a team. Good premarital education will give you homework as individuals and as a couple. As you do the homework you become more of a team determined to “win” together. It is also possible that you learn that you do not work well together and that it may be better to never form a team then to break up the team later. This is not fun yet it is valuable.

Help you make a realistic decision - It is a common thought that those who are contemplating marriage are either wearing “rose colored glasses” or they are “on drugs” or both. There is truth to these ideas. When we meet someone and are attracted to them there are powerful chemicals released in our brain designed to cement that attraction. This is the “on drugs” idea though the drugs are produced by your own body. These drugs do cause you to look at the positve and downplay the negative, hence the “rose colored glasses” idea. Good premarital education helps present all of the evidence of your relationship, offers you the opportunity to take off the glasses, and make a sober decision.

Prepares you for success - The goal of all of the above is to prepare you as a couple for marriage success, to stay married to each other for your whole life. Premarital education starts you on that road to success and provided basic skills and tools so that you not only stay married but that you enjoy your marriage most of the time (no marriage is happy 100% of the time).

So, if you are thinking about getting married in 2007 start planning for your premarital education now. Good premarital education will take six to fifteen weeks of meeting one time per week. Plan for that amount of time and plan so that you finish your premarital education right around three months before your wedding. This way you will have learned good skills to get you through those last months of wedding planning and you will be able give your attention to finishing the wedding details.

Remember, your wedding is one day and your marriage is for a lifetime. Invest in premarital education and plan your marriage so that you can have a lifelong REAL Marriage.

It is the day after Christmas and time to hit those after Christmas sales. Bargains and adventure awaits the intrepid souls who venture forth today. Go as a couple since there is safety in numbers and it lets you spend time together. You can make decisions about half-price Christmas decorations to get for next year or other deep discount purchases.

For some of you there are returns to make. I never find returns to be a fun job so the “chore factor” is reduced when I’m with Susan. Do those returns together and use the time in the long line to have a conversation with each other.

Opportunity abounds to enrich your REAL Marriage and sometimes all it takes is looking at a chore a different way, like a chance to spend time with your spouse. Christmas was yesterday but that does not mean the joy has to end. Spend time with your spouse, make more joy together, and enjoy your REAL Marriage.

Take advantage of the “After Christmas” sales to stock up on REAL Love Note making supplies. Paper and cardstock are on the top of the list. Pick up some stickers and embellishments (peel and stick are easiest to use) and then add some tools. Buy a pair of scissors to fancy up the edges of those notes, pick up a corner rounder if you don’t have one and if you do buy a different corner punch. You may want to pick up a shape punch while you are at it.

REAL Love Notes are easy to make and even easier when you have supplies and good tools. Stock up today and consider it an investment in your REAL Marriage.

Merry Christmas!

Remember the gift you have in your REAL Marriage.

It is important for the Marriage & Family ministry to work with the Youth ministry. It is imperative that from Jr. High and up we are teaching good biblical relationship skills to our youth. We can even start younger with more basic skills like the Golden Rule (Luke 6:32) and speak nicely (Ephesians 4:29). I constantly review these two biblical concepts with married couples.

We ask things of our youth that some adults have trouble with so it is important to teach them and support them. If we want our youth to have good relationship skills then we need to teach those skills. If we want our youth to save themselves sexually for marriage then we have to do more then tell them not to have sex. We need to tell them the benefits of waiting and we need to listen to them when they struggle with those powerful emotions and neurochemicals and support them in their desire to stay pure.

Of course we also need to set good examples at home. That does not mean being perfect but it does mean consistently doing the right things, using good biblical skills, and fessin’ up when we mess up.

When we take the time to teach our youth good skills then we prepare them to have a REAL Marriage.