REAL Marriage

Do you remember the commercial that said, “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk” or something like that? It had a number of spinoffs and today my spinoff is “Friends don’t let friends divorce.”

We do not often feel comfortable talking with our friends about their marriage, at least not if it is having difficulty. “It’s none of my business,” we say. Baloney. These are your friends. You would not let them walk out in the middle of the road and get hit by a car, you would warn them. You wouldn’t let them drive drunk, you’d drive them home or call a cab for them. Why wouldn’t you help them avoid one of the most destructive things they could ever do?

I’m not asking you to be a marriage therapist and fix all of their problems. I am asking you to be a caring friend and a voice of reason during a tough time. I was engaged in college before I was engaged to my wife Susan. She was a wonderful young lady and I had some growing up to do. One day my best friend Steve, and later the best man at my wedding to Susan, told me that the person I was engaged to was not the person for me. I punched him in the arm. He remained my friend anyway. He knew I did not want to hear what he had to say but he thought it was important to say it.

Maybe all you need to do is remind people that they once loved each other. Sometimes you need to point the terrible cost of divorce and I’m not just talking money here. Sometimes you need to encourage a friend to stick it out because anything worth having takes some work. Sometimes a little encouragement is just what a struggling couples needs.

Of course another way to be a friend is to watch your friends children so they can go on a date together. Their marriage may be great and you can help keep it that way by giving them time to be alone together once in a while. They will likely reciprocate which will help your marriage as well. If their marriage is not so great then time alone may be just what they need to rekindle the embers into a marriage fire that warms and protects their marriage.

You can be a friend of your friends marriage. It is good for them, good for you, and good for society. Be a friend today so that you and your friends can have a REAL Marriage.

I am excited about the new release I heard about today. No, I’m not talking about Windows Vista. I’m talking about Prepare to Last. This is a DVD and workbook based program to help “nearly weds and newly weds.” Make sure to click the link and check out this resource.

I already use PREPARE/ENRICH in my work with couples and this inventory is used by thousands of ministers, counselors, and marriage mentors across the country. This is a slightly different version that the couple can use without going to a special training. I highly recommend this new tool to ministers, counselors, marriage mentors and couples who are getting married or within the first year of marriage.

For congregations this is a great tool to put in your library and use with people from your church. If you have hesitated to require premarital counseling before marrying a couple because of time constraints or lack of training then this tool is just what you need to make sure couples get good information before marriage.

My thanks to Dr. Olson and Life Innovations for adding another tool to the tool box. We can all reduce divorce by doing everything we can to make our marriage successful. We can also point others in the direction of good skills, habits, and tools for marriage success. Be PREPAREd and you can have a REAL Marriage.

It is almost February and that means Valentine’s Day. Take advantage of this time to really send those REAL Love Notes. I suggest you send a Valentine/Love themed note each day from February 1st through Valentine’s Day. For a little fun with this idea go to one of your local stores and get a package of Valentine’s designed for school exchange and use those to give to your spouse.

Be sure to personally make the REAL Love Note you give on Valentine’s Day so you can give it that special touch. REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank. Make your deposit today.

I always try to keep in mind that some congregations are small and have small amounts of money to spend on marriage and family ministry. With the continual increase in technology there have been increases in the availability of materials in DVD, book, and small group format. Keeping these materials in a church library, even if that is part of a shelf in the pastor’s study, can add tremendously to your ministry.

If you are having trouble affording having that well known speaker at your church then buy the DVD of the speaker’s seminar. You can buy the speaker’s book and discuss it in a class format and many speakers are now producing small group material. Books are relatively inexpensive and a seminar on DVD can be had for less than $100. Once you have them at your congregation you can use these resources over and over again thus multiplying your ministry.

So whether you are a large or small congregation make sure to add some marriage and family resources to your library. You, your congregation, and your community will reap the benefits.

“Romance is a state of mind.” Jim Maxwell

The biggest part of being romantic is thinking about romance and doing what you do for a romantic or thoughtful purpose. A dozen roses are not very romantic when you are using them to make up for a fight but a single daisy just because you thought of your spouse is very romantic.

Infidelity destroys trust. The destruction of the trust in the relationship is very painful and the effects are far reaching in the marriage. For those who have commited infidelity and then given up that relationship to stay in their marriage the question is often, “How will I rebuild trust with my spouse?” Sometimes I get the frustrated version of this question which is, “What is it going to take for him/her to trust me again? Nothing I do seems to matter.”

Here are the main ingredients, as I see them, to rebuilding trust:

1. Be trustworthy - This means doing what you say you are going to do and not doing what you say you are not going to do.
2. Be honest - Say what you mean and mean what you say. (Make sure to say it politely.)
3. Be direct - Beating around the bush seems evasive and that seems dishonest.
4. Be transparent - Don’t hide anything. Make sure your spouse knows everything about you, what you do, what you say, and where you go.
5. Be patient - Your spouse will have many questions and will ask most of them in many ways and ask them many times. Answer every question honestly, directly, and politely as many times as it is asked.
6. Realize that it may not seem fair. Rebuilding trust is like trying to pay back credit card debt at 22% interest. You pay and pay and you still haven’t paid off the interest.
7. Realize that it takes more time than you would like. As in the example above you have to pay through the interest and then pay off the principal. You won’t feel like you are making any progress until your “debt” is zero. Once this happens you will again be making deposits in the trust bank and you will start rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding trust is worth it. When trust is rebuilt you will both be stronger as people and your relationship will be stronger. Put in the effort to rebuild trust and you can have a REAL Marriage.

Meet your spouse at a cozy spot and explore some poetry. Maybe you can listen in to your local NPR station and catch the Writer’s Almanac or click on it to read or listen online. There is always a poem along with some other information.

Poetry may not be your favorite thing and that is okay. It is good to expose ourselves to different things (it helps when you’re watching Jeopardy) and more fun when we are exposed together. The idea here is to do something together so that you can enjoy it together, hate it together or have a difference of opinion. Each experience helps you know and understand your spouse better and may surprise you with new things to appreciate about your spouse.

Today is the birthday of Scottish poet Robert Burns. I like that he wrote about common things. So click on these titles for a link to two of my favorites: To A Mouse and To A Louse.

Remember, a REAL date a week builds a REAL Marriage.

It is important to know the person you are marrying before you marry him or her. I have put together a list of questions to ask before you marry. Please click here to print this list of questions. I know this is not a complete list so feel free to post the questions you think are important here on the blog.

Marriage is one of the most important decisions you will ever make so be sure to be well informed when you make the decision. When you know you are marrying the person you really want to marry then you are on the way to your REAL Marriage.

I know a fair amount about marriage and very little about the stock market. So how can I compare marriage and the stock market? Well I know enough about the market to know that those who do well in the stock market are those who go into it for the long haul. Those who stick with the stock market long term usually get more out of it then they put into it. This of course is if they continually invest in the market in a disciplined way.

Marriage is the same in that if you go into it for the long haul and stick with it long term you get much more out of it then you put into it. You of course need to continually invest in your marriage in a disciplined way (keep making those love and trust bank deposits) for it to yield good results in the long run.

People invest in the stock market for many reasons and one of those is to have a (financially) comfortable retirement. One reason to invest in your marriage is to have a (relationally) comfortable retirement. Invest now in your marriage and you will look forward to that retirement time together. If you don’t invest you may find you no longer really know each other which is not that satisfying and sometimes results in divorce.

So make those investments in your marriage over the long term and you will continually become richer and reap the dividends of a REAL Marriage.

Make and hang a banner welcoming your spouse home. Whether they have just been at work or gone on a trip or deployment you can make and hang a welcome home banner. Use your computer for a relatively easy banner or use larger paper or cardboard and make it by hand.

If your spouse typically parks in the garage you can hang the banner so your spouse will see it when he or she drives into the garage. Otherwise you can hang it anywhere your spouse will see it. If you doubt how much this will mean to your spouse I’ll tell you that I received one in 2004 and I have it hanging in my study (I can see it from where I am typing)Â still today.

REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank and make for a rich REAL Marriage.