Spouses need support. Whether it is for their careers, education, exercise program, or dealing with extended family matters we need to support our spouses. When we give this kind of support it enriches our marriage and brings us closer together as a couple. It sends the message that “together, we can get through anything.”
So be sure to support your spouse and to thank your spouse for the support you receive.
Today is, “Make Up Your Own Holiday Day.” With that in mind, I declare today, “International Give a REAL Love Note Day.” Actually, that fits for everyday. So what holiday do you want to make up today and use to send your spouse a REAL Love Note? Is it, “Here’s a Hug because your computer crashed day?”
When in doubt, send an “I love you just because” REAL Love Note.
REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank.
“Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.” Hoosier Farmer
Orignally I wrote about affair recovery in December 2006 and outlined a four part process for recovering from an affair. That process is (1) Safety [addressed in the December blog] (2) Healing [today’s topic] (3) Reparation, and (4) Forgiveness. Today I am blogging briefly about healing.
Healing is the hard work of understanding how the affair came about and making a plan for there to be no more affairs in your marriage. This is a time of many questions, trying to understand the world your spouse was living in at the time, and much soul searching.
When it comes to questions, stay away from “why” questions. I know these are the questions you want to ask most. However, “why” questions put people on the defensive and sometimes they have blocked from their mind or forgotten the why. Instead, ask “what” and “how” questions. For example, instead of “Why did you have an affair?” try asking “What allowed you to have an affair?,” “What enticed you to have an affair?,” “What are the reasons you had an affair?,” “How did you hide the affair?,” “How did you justify the affair to yourself?” and similar questions.
Use your questions to find out information, not to berate, belittle, or punish your spouse. Any question can be used for mean purposes so make sure you are trying to heal and be respectful. This is very hard. You have been hurt and often when people are hurt they want to hurt back. It is difficult to be respectful when you have been treated so disrespectfully and yet you need to be respectful. You will quicken your healing time this way and avoid the bad feelings that will eventually come when you realize how poorly you behaved if you are disrespectful.
This process can take months or a year or more. Once you have a good understanding of how it happened you can make a plan for remaining faithful. Actually you can make a faithfulness plan at any time. However, once you have an understanding of how the affair came about you can fine tune your faithfulness plan with very specific ideas. Be sure to check out the resource section of the website for a faithfulness plan template.
Healing is hard work and it takes time. Do the hard work, be patient with the time it takes and you can heal your realtionship and move on to a REAL Marriage.
This week’s date tip is to play a board game together. Pick one or two of your old favorites from childhood. So yes, if you liked Chutes and Ladders, then by all means play it. Pick a game the two of you played while dating or in the early days of your marriage and remember the fun times you had while making new fun times. If you did not play games while dating or in your early marriage, now is the time to discover the joy of board games played with loved ones, especially your spouse.
A REAL date a week builds a REAL marriage.
Awareness is important. This is true in many areas of our life, like crossing the street. It is helpful to be aware of the bus coming down the street. When you are thinking of getting married it is important to be aware “of the bus coming down the street.” By this I mean it is important to know the person who is your potential spouse.
Do you know about your potential spouse’s health or their business dealings? These things will affect your marriage. Premarital education lets you become aware of each other and actually helps you become more aware of yourself. Such awareness allows you explore you response options as well. Sometimes, when we are surprised, we respond quickly and not always in the best manner. With awareness, we often have more time to look at things and pick the most appropriate response.
Premarital education increases your awareness and allows you to make an informed investment in your marriage. I hope you would not invest in stock or some venture without first being aware of its history and potential. I also hope you will not enter into a marriage with someone without being aware of their history and their potential.
Premarital education is an investment in your REAL Marriage.
There are many books and seminars out there regarding marriage. I recommend that you read at least one marriage related book and go to at least one marriage event per year. So how do you choose?
One way to choose is to check out the resource section of this website. I only recommend things I think will be helpful to you. Another way to choose is to ask your friends. Find out what book or speaker or event has been helpful to them. Sometimes it is helpful to choose something by an author or speaker with a track record. You usually know what you are getting when you make this kind of choice.
However, don’t be afraid to check out the new author or speaker. Use the internet to gather information, ask around, and ask the author or speaker for information. Once you read the book or attend the event then you can become part of the information network about the book or author. You can get the word out and direct people to a good resource or warn them from wasting their money on a resource that is not that helpful. In either case you are being a good marriage investor.
Keep enriching your marriage and it will be a REAL Marriage.
Just a few minutes ago I received a telephone call from someone wanting to get married. This is because I have left my card and information at the local auditors office where people apply for marriage licences.
I asked my standard first question, “Have you had your premarital education?” The answer was, “yes.” I actually felt good and a little hopeful at this point. So, the second question, “Who did your premarital education?” At which point I received the question, “What do you mean by premarital education?” I knew then there had been no premarital education and this turned out to be true.
I was then told that these folks knew all they needed to know to be married. After all, he had been married before–twice. I didn’t ask about her. I did tell him that his risk was now around the 75th percentile and that premarital counseling would be an investment in his marriage. He was only interested in getting married as quickly as possible. There was nothing I could do for him or his future wife at that point.
I wish this couple well. I really do. I am afraid that they will fall into the same statistics as so many others. They don’t have to, and yet, they seem unwilling to do anything to promote success.
Not all remarriages are doomed to failure. Some folks really figure out what happened in the first (or other) marriage(s) and then go through premarital counseling before marrying again, and make a good marriage. These folks learn more about themselves and good skills for use in their marriage. This is good.
No matter how much you know, please consider premarital education before getting married. It is an investment in your REAL Marriage.
It is “Act Happy Day.” Send your spouse a REAL love note with “Happy Act Happy Day” on the front. On the inside write, “I don’t have to act, with you I AM happy!”
REAL Love Notes are deposits in your spouses love bank. A love bank with a big account makes for a REAL Marriage.
“A day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel.” Author Unknown
Also, a marriage hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel. In your marriage and family ministries make sure you are encouraging couples to pray together and for one another. I know this sounds obvious and that I am “preaching to the choir” and yet I think we sometimes stop encouraging the obvious because we think it is obvious. The problem is, without frequent reminders, we humans tend to forget, or get distracted, and quit doing the obvious.
Include prayer in your classes and remind your couples (and everyone else) at the congregation to pray. Daily prayer about your marriage will help you build and keep a REAL Marriage.