REAL Marriage

You may or may not have heard the flap about Richard Gere kissing actress Shilpa Shetty. You may not care either. I find the story to be a good illustration for being careful about our behavior. To get background on the story check out the article in USA Today.

The short story is Richard Gere was in India appearing at an AIDS awareness event. During the event he kissed actress Shilpa Shetty. This was, of course, a public kiss (a PDA or public display of affection) and India has different views on what is and is not appropriate in public. Therefore the flap.

I am narrowing my comments to the idea that we need to be careful with our PDAs, which can be either Public or Private Displays of Affection. Here me out before you get too worked up. My point is that we should only be kissing our spouses, or at least only those we are dating, if not married. Mr. Gere is not married to Ms. Shetty, as far as we know nor are they dating. Had he followed this idea there would be no hoopla.

Some of you are wondering why I’m sticking in my opinion on Private Displays of Affection. What I am getting at is that if we are married, or committed to someone, then we have no business kissing or engaging in other intimate acts, with someone else. In other words, we need to be faithful. (By the way, if you’re not married, it is not a good idea to engage in anything past kissing but that is for other blog entries.)

I’m all for affection, and even PDAs, as long as our spouse is the recipient and it does not break any laws where we happen to be at the time. So avoid problems by limiting your PDAs (public and private) to your spouse.

Today is National Honesty Day. Give your sweetie a REAL Love Note with “Happy National Honesty Day” on the outside.  On the inside write (you knew this was coming) “I honestly love you.” For extra points send your sweetie an e-mail with the embedded wav file of the Olivia Newton John song, “I honestly love you.”

Click here to buy blank handmade REAL Love Notes.

“Love cures people, the ones who receive love and the ones who give it too.”  Dr. Karl Menninger

This week’s date tip is to go to a baseball game together. Catch your favorite major league, minor league, or little league team. Don’t forget to have popcorn, peanuts, and Cracker Jack.

A REAL Date a week builds a REAL Marriage.

Premarital education does not require that the person providing the education have a counseling degree. Many churches are using couples with an interest in marriage and helping people to provide this valuable service. Training is done locally using a specific program. For instance, tomorrow I am training people to use the PREPARE-ENRICH inventories. At the end of the day the participants will have the tools and skills to help couples prepare for marriage or enrich their marriage.

When premarital education is conducted this way, counselors, who have special training, have time to help those who are having difficulties. More people are helped and a wider variety of people are helped.

So, do you want to make a difference in your community? Are you interested in helping people prepare for marriage? You can learn and certify to use many premarital education programs in one day. A good way to find a training is to check the website for Smart Marriages. Become a marriage investor and help couples get started on the path to their REAL Marriage.

Yesterday there was an MSNBC article regarding virtual affairs. They wanted to know if it counted like a real world affair.  My response is, “Yes!”

I encourage you to read the article so you can be well informed. When people are spending time in virtual relationships it is time they are taking away from live relationships. One person was spending up to eight hours a day in the virtual world and eventually lost her marriage. I wonder what would have happened if she had put all of that time into her marriage.

Another person eventually “broke up” with his virtual lover and felt the same emotions as a live break up. This seems to indicate that he had as much investment in the relationship as he would have had if he were meeting his lover in person. This is infidelity.

If your spouse is engaging in online or virtual infidelity I encourage you to have a conversation with them about it. Be respectful (I know this is hard. I also know it is more effective than blasting your spouse.) and find out what it is they enjoy or are getting out of the online relationship. Hear them completely and paraphrase back to them until they are convinced you understand. Then have the courage to describe how you feel about it and what you would prefer.

Make sure to use “I” statements when describing how you feel and the impact of your spouse’s behavior on you. For example, “X, Y, Z” statements work well. “I feel X (insert feeling words here) when Y happens (insert behavior), I would prefer Z (list what you do want to happen).”  Here is a sample, “I feel hurt and betrayed by your online relationship. I would prefer you spent that time with me.”

If you are engaging in online infidelity, or any other infidelity, I encourage you to stop and pour all of that energy into your marriage. You can have an enjoyable and REAL marriage if you work at it.

A good way to enrich your marriage is to encourage your spouse. The dictionary says that the word “encourage” means, “to give courage to; to give confidence to; to inspire with courage, spirit, or strength of mind, to help; to give support to; to be favorable to.” I like to think that being encouraging is a manner of speaking.

Using your manners with your spouse is encouraging and polite. Most of us prefer “please” over a harsh demand and we appreciate it when we are told “thank you.” Another way to be encouraging is to express your confidence in your spouse, especially when your spouse is lacking confidence for some reason. Give sincere compliments. Notice your spouse’s accomplishments and let him or her know how proud your are of them.

It is also important to support your spouse. This support can be verbal or through some type of labor on your part. Susan supports me in many ways, and one that is very helpful to me is, she handles the accounting for REAL Marriage. She is also a great sounding board and wise advisor.

I would like to hear your ways of encouraging your spouse so make sure to comment on the blog. With encouragement you can enrich your REAL Marriage.

Today is World Book & Copyright Day. Two REAL Love Note options come quickly to mind.

The quick, easy, and inexpensive option is to find a piece of paper or cardstock and write, “Happy World Book & Copyright Day” on the outside (make sure to fold the paper). On the inside write something like, “A thousand books could not tell the whole story of how much I love you.”  Sign it, “All my love” followed by your name.

The more expensive version is to go to your local book store and buy your spouse a book of love poems. On the inside write a note about how much you love your spouse and how the poems help express that love. As always, write in your style.

REAL Love Notes add to REAL Love.

“Think contentment the greatest wealth.”  George Shelley

 Most of us are very rich in our marriages. I think we would be even happier if we stopped once in a while and noticed how good we have it and how much we really appreciate our spouses.

Check out the article in USA Today regarding infidelity while on business trips. I am going to make a few points based on the article.

First, infidelity is always wrong. The ”1000 mile rule” which says it is okay if you are over 1000 miles from home is hogwash. This is true for the “TDY” or “Temporarialy Divorced for a Year” idea in the military. It does not matter how long your deployment or how many times you are deployed either. (Yes, I’ve been deployed and yes, I remained faithful.) Once you are married you make a vow of faithfulness no matter where you are and no matter the circumstances.

Second, if your marriage is not working the way you want it to then work on your marriage and not on finding someone else. The skills for having a good, or even great, marriage are learnable and doable. I bet if most people put as much time and effort on building a good marriage as they do building a good career I would not need to be writing this entry. Use the information in this blog and on the website to build your REAL Marriage.

Finally, if you are bored on your trip, that is a good time to call your spouse (and children if you have children), write a letter to your spouse and/or children, or to read that marriage book you keep meaning to read.  These things can strengthen your marriage while keeping you away from things that may pull you apart.

Stay faithful and you can have a REAL Marriage.