Happy New Year! Make a REAL Love Note with New Year’s decorations and tell your spouse how much you are looking forward to spending 2008 with him or her.
For those resolutions you are making, resolve to give your spouse at least one REAL Love Note each week this year.
REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank.
The end of one year and the beginning of a new year is the time when many of us set goals. Take some time as a couple to set goals for the coming year. Set goals for the two of you as a couple and for each of you as individuals. It is nice when someone else knows our goals and is supportive of our efforts in reaching those goals.
Set some goals for your marriage. Pick an area or two that you would like to make better or do more of (it does not have to be a problem, it can be making a good thing better) and set a measurable goal to achieve. It may be something such as increase our daily talking time from 15 minutes to 20 minutes. It might also be learning more about investing and ways to make your money work for you. You know your marriage so pick what will enrich your marriage.
For those in the military this is especially important. Goal setting and scheduling are necessary to make sure you get your time together as you also deal with separations for training and deployment.
It is also helpful to do some long term goal setting and planning. Where do you want to be in five years or at retirement? Make sure the goals you set for this coming year contribute to the overall goals you have for the future. Again, military couples and families need to look at this bigger picture since the short term might be a deployment where you are separated. If you know a deployment is forth coming make sure to shore up your communication and strengthen your bond to one another now. Having your goals set before the deployment means that each of you can still work toward goals even if you are half a world apart.
The two of you are a team. The team wins together or loses together. Set goals together and work toward them and you will win with your REAL Marriage.
It is time for a fun working date. Yes, these terms can go together for a date. Pick a place to eat or have coffee/tea together and plan out your get away dates for 2008. It is good for you to get away overnight, together, without children, at least once per quarter. You can count it if you send the children away and are home without them.
One idea is to stop by a travel agent and pick up the brochures of the places you would like to go. You can use the brochures and pictures to keep your goal in mind and build the anticipation for your special date.
Also, keep in mind major events that you would like to make an event and plan these in as well. For example, you can schedule in the 2008 Nutcracker at your local theater, the St Patty’s Day parade in Chicago, or whatever else you like to do.
When you plan to have dates they are more likely to happen. Make your dates a part of your weekly planning. Dates with your spouse are important enough to plan instead of simply getting whatever leftover time you happen to find. Those who try to date on leftover time usually don’t date.
Remember, a REAL date a week builds a REAL Marriage.
Merry Christmas to all. Today is the day to give your spouse that REAL Love Note telling him or her what a gift he or she is to you.
REAL Love Notes are a gift to your spouse.
It turns out that December is one of the busiest times for couples to become engaged. Maybe it is the good feelings of the season or maybe it is the ability to “double dip” and make the engagement ring a Christmas present or maybe it is a convenient time for those June weddings.
For those who are contemplating engagement, or have already become engaged during this time, make sure to plan your premarital education. You can tell those relatives asking for your holiday gift list to pay for your premarital education. It is a gift you will really use. Premarital education increases the chances that you will spend holidays together for the rest of your life. Now that is a gift worth giving or getting.
For those of you who took last week’s tip and you are doing love notes for the 12 days of Christmas, keep going. For those who are not taking part in that tip send a REAL Love Note to your spouse describing how he or she gives you warm feelings during these winter months.
REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank.
The holidays are often a time of fun and parties. Be sure to have a faithfulness plan that takes your holiday activities into account. Know what you are going to do to be faithful during those office parties. Remember that alcohol lowers inhibitions and can result in people acting in ways they had not planned nor would normally act.
The holidays are also stressful for some people. Stress of this sort can add to one’s vulnerability to being unfaithful. Put some proactive steps for dealing with stress in your faithfulness plan. Infidelity is not a gift to give at this time or any other.
You can have fun this holiday season AND remain faithful. Review your faithfulness plan to stay faithful or make a faithfulness plan if you don’t have one. Give your spouse the gift of faithfulness and you can have a happy holiday season and a REAL Marriage.
USA Today published an article today detailing a rise in the suicide rate in the Army. Click here to see the article. In this article is the following statement: “Research released by the Army in August shows that almost 70% of suicides in 2006 were spurred by failed relationships.”
As a chaplain in the Army Reserve I can say that most of my counseling of Soldiers has to do with relationship troubles and I hear the same from my colleagues. I can also tell you that I have never had a Soldier in a happy relationship talk to me about feeling suicidal.
The Army is actively working to reduce the suicide rate and to help Soldiers learn the skills necessary for good relationships. This month I have conducted a briefing on suicide awareness and prevention and a Strong Bonds weekend, where couples learn good relationship skills. Chaplains throughout the Army, Army Reserve, and National Guard are doing the same things.
Whether you are in the military or not, I encourage you to work on your relationship. Research has shown that even 8 hours of instruction, a typical weekend retreat, can make a positive difference. Some key areas that will help your relationship are learning to listen well, speak assertively (which means saying what you want in a respectful way whether you get it or not), learn to speak for yourself, learn a good problem solving/conflict resolution model, continue to have fun together, maintain an active sex life with your spouse, and frequently relive the good times in your relationship.
For those who are not married, learning the above skills and making a plan for the other elements once you are married will go a long way in helping you have a happy and successful marriage. Also, make sure before you marry to go through a period of premarital education with the person you want to marry. Find someone who will give you a premarital inventory such as PREPARE, FOCCUS, or RELATE. An inventory will highlight your strengths and help you focus other attention on areas you can build to have that happy, healthy, successful relationship. Good premarital education will also teach you the skills mentioned above.
Children who come from such happy homes also do better physically, emotinally, and in school. These children are less likely to get into trouble, use drugs and alcohol, engage in premarital sex, or commit suicide. So, the more work you do on your marriage, the more people who receive the benefit.
You can prevent suicide, at least your own, by maintaining your REAL Marriage.
Go for a drive, or a walk, to see holiday decorations in your area. More and more people are decorating for the other holidays of this month and it is interesting to see these decorations. It is also fun to see how others decorate for Christmas. Most cities and towns have at least one neighborhood known for its decorations so get out and enjoy them together.
A REAL Date a week builds a REAL Marriage.
“Peace is the skillful management of conflict.” Kenneth Boulding
If you want peace in your marriage, learn to manage conflict. Some key areas to gain skills in are listening, clearly saying what you want and mean in a respectful way, being able to paraphrase, and problem solving/conflict resolution. The skills in all of these areas can be learned. Check the rest of the blog for tips in these areas and the REAL Resources section for books that teach these skills.
You can manage conflict and have peace in your REAL Marriage.