REAL Marriage

MSN had an article today titled, “4 Ways to Be a Better Husband and Wife in ‘09.”  Overall the tips are not bad.  The areas of chores, sex, cooking, and money are addressed.  These are practical everyday issues.  For all of them, I encourage you to figure out what your expectations are in these areas and then share them with your spouse.  Generally speaking, it is when expectations are unmet that there are problems and much of the time those expectations are not clear to both spouses.

The MSN article mentions making a game out of the chores and that could be fun.  Include the kiddos if you have any.  Another way to tackle chores is to have a “sixty second clean-up” or “two minute drill” in a room of your choosing.  Pick a room, like the kitchen then set a timer for the one to two minutes.  Pick-up, straighten-up, and clean-up as much as you can before the buzzer goes off and then go about your day.  Of course, you can always schedule when chores are done and then stick you your schedule.  Chores will not always be fun but they do not always have to be a drudgery either.

Sex is another area where frustration is common.  Talk about your sex life together.  Getting a book to try something different is okay as long as you stay away from pornograhpy.  Pornography will cause problems in your relationship not solve them.  If you are having pain or difficulty in your sex life see your doctor.  Most of the problems people run into are easily treated.  Sometimes the weekend away in some different scenery will spark up your relationship.  Also, the bedroom is not the only place in your home you can have sex.  Try a different room and be creative.

Cooking is necessary.  Most people I speak to do not mind the cooking as much as the deciding what to cook.  Browsing through cook books is one option.  Setting up a basic menu plan can also be helpful.  Monday is chicken, Tuesday is something from a box, Wednesday is beef, Thursday is pasta, and so forth.  Save the big meals for the times when you have time to make them and do not forget that a crock pot is a wonderful tool.

Money.  Just the mention of the word for many couples is enough to get the blood pressure up.  One basic word here: Budget.  Have a budget and stick to it until you change the budget on purpose to reflect your current situation, then stick to the new one.  Review your budget anytime your situation changes, raises, layoffs, etc.  Plan for what you will do with bonuses or extra money that comes your way.  I usually recommend that people give ten percent of their income to God, put ten percent in savings, and live on the other eighty percent.  I have heard of some people who are living a “reverse tithe.”  This means they give ninety percent to God and live on the other ten percent.  The only people I have heard of doing this are fairly wealthy so that living on ten percent still puts them in the upper middle class.  Whatever you do, make a plan together that you can agree on.

My suggestion for being a better husband or wife in 2009 is to be more REAL.  Be more romantic in that you constantly look for ways to make even a sixty second clean-up in the living room romantic.  Be more encouraging.  Look for ways to speak positively to your spouse every day.  Be more adaptable and find those ways to work together so that the two of you enjoy each other more.  Be more loving by reaffirming your habit of doing for your spouse every day.  What you do depends on what is happening in your life.  There is something you can do for your spouse every day.  Intentionally work on your marriage every day in one of these ways and you will be more REAL in 2009.

It is winter here in the Northern Hemisphere so break out the white or blue cardstock for a winter themed love note.  Use the colors for snow or ice and decorate appropriately.  Then write your spouse a note with the idea that no matter how cold it is outside the love of your spouse keeps you warm.

REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank.

Virginity pledges do make a difference.  The Wall Street Journal today had an article describing the flaw in recent reporting about the lack of effectiveness of virginity pledges.  It turns out that those who make those pledges come from more conservative home and churches and have far less risky sex and delay first sexual experiences by four years.  Also, one out of four of those who make the pledges to remain virgins until marriage.  Good for them.

Read the article and pass it along.  Those who wait until marriage to have sex have a headstart on building their lifelong REAL marriage.

Today is “Thank God It’s Monday Day.”  Give your spouse a REAL Love Note celebrating the day and remember to add it is also “Thank God I Am Married To You Day.”

Every day is a day for celebrating your REAL marriage.  Look for the reasons everyday and remember, REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank.

Money, sex, and children really impact our marriages.  In your local congregation it is good to offer classes, through your marriage and family ministry, that address these issues.  The economy is in terrible shape at the moment which makes it a perfect time to offer a class about money management such as No Debt, No Sweat or Financial Peace University.  Couples who manage money well to not have to stress out or argue about money and thay are more likely to teach good money lessons to their children.  This pays off in the future as well.

Sex is another topic that seems to cause frustration in marriage.  Have a class at your church dedicated to discussing the development of a good sexual life from a godly, biblical perspective.  Teach a class on the Song of Solomon or use a book such as A Celebration of Sex by Douglas Rosenau.  When a couple’s sex life is going well they tend to do a little better in other areas as well.

Parenting is another issue that is often on a married couple’s mind.  Start with my articles on Teen Discipline.  Most of this information may be applied to younger children as well, especially the basics.  I have long recommended 1-2-3 Magic and I can also recommend Love and Logic.  Both are used in school systems around the country and it may be helpful to use the program used in your school system so there is consistency between home and school.  Just today, at the congregation I attend, we started ScreamFree Parenting.  I will likely have more to say about it once I sit through the class.

All of these things can be done in your congregation for a relatively small amount of money.  Once you have people trained as presenters you can offer the classes on a rotating basis.  All of these classes have application to the churched and the unchurched and make a great way to reach out to your neighborhood.  Offering classes like these are one more way to help couples have a REAL marriage.

“A kiss is a rosy dot over the “I” of loving.”  Cerano de Bergerac

Take some time here at the new year to review your faithfulness plans together.  Celebrate what you did well during this past year in remaining faithful and determine what you are going to do this year to remain faithful.  The occasional review and planning session is a good way to maintain your faithfulness plan and it reinforces the teamwork the two of you have in remaining faithful and keep your marriage REAL.

Remaining faithful is essential to your REAL marriage.

While reading through articles on my home page today I came across an article that caught my attention the way a train wreck catches your attention.  Natalie Dylan is selling her virginity to the highest bidder.  This is being done in Nevada where prostitution is legal.  I still think it is not only wrong but a bad idea.

Natalie is conducting this auction to pay for graduate school.  She wants to study marriage and family therapy.  I believe in graduate school (I went) and I think marriage and family therapy is a good choice (it is what I studied) yet I think there are better ways to pay for graduate school.  Natalie has kept her viriginity for 22 years she could probably encourage others to do the same. 

Keeping your viriginity until marriage is good not only from a biblical perspective (I realize this is not important to many people) it is good from a psychological and marriage perspective.  A person’s first sexual experience leaves a lifelong imprint and I think it is a good idea for that imprint to be positive.  While paying for graduate school may be positive in this case it doesn’t make the grade.  How will this experience affect Natalie’s future marriage?  Would you marry someone who sold their virginity to the highest bidder?  How faithful will this person be if you run into financial trouble in your marriage?

Selling your viriginity is not REAL.  It is not romantic, encouraging, or loving.  In this case it is adaptable, however one out of four is still 25% out of 100% and that is a failing grade at any school.  I encourage Natalie, and anyone else thinking about selling their virginity, to reconsider.  Your virginity is priceless and should only be given to the person you will spend the rest of your life with in marriage.  Giving your virginity to one another on your wedding night is a good foundation for a REAL marriage.  It is romantic: “You saved yourself just for me.”  It is encouraging: “You kept yourself pure before marriage and you will do so in our marriage.”  It is adaptable: Not many people are making the choice to maintain their viriginity until marriage.  It is loving: “You have shared this part of yourself with only me.”

Let us encourage everyone to be REAL and keep their viriginity until marriage.

Happy New Year!  Start off 2009 with a REAL date with your spouse.  Because it is New Years Day I recommend doing something new.  I realize you may have to move the date to the weekend because the holiday limits choices yet do not let this opportunity to try something new go by.  Have you ever been skydiving?  Now may be the time.  How about a hot air balloon, a helicopter ride, or join the polar bear club (where you go to a local outdoor body of water and jump in even in the cold weather).

Whatever you choose start the New Year with a REAL date because a REAL date a week builds a REAL marriage.