REAL Marriage

“When your heart speaks, take good notes.”  Susan Campbell

This one is easy.  Have a New Years date that you and your spouse would like to go on.  For some this is a party, for others it is a good dinner and bed at the normal time.

Remember, it is okay to use the obvious when planning dates together.  The important thing to do is date your spouse regularly, preferrably once per week or more.

A REAL date a week builds a REAL marriage.

The new year is almost upon us and many are reviewing the past year.  This week give your spouse a REAL love note recounting the top nine (for 2009) things you appreciate about your spouse that occured in 2009.  Some ideas to use: how your spouse took care of you and/or the children while you/they were sick; all the chores done; the special things he or she has done for you; etc.

REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank.

Take your spouse to your local Singing Christmas Tree.

A REAL date a week builds a REAL marriage.

Are you feeling overwhelmed with Christmas or holiday shopping?  Are there a bunch of parties to go to, decorations to put up, and projects to finish before taking time off?  Does all of this have you wondering how you are going to be creative with a love note this week?

Make it simple: Pick red, green, or white cardstock/paper (or preprinted Christmas paper), use a red or green pen and write, “I Love You.”  Give the note to your spouse or put it somewhere it will easily be found.

We do not always have to be “creative.”  We do need to consistently let our spouses know that we love them and sometimes simple is best.

REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank.

The weather is cooperating now so it is time to go ice skating with your spouse.  Go to an outdoor skating rink if you can and make sure to stop off afterward for hot cocoa, tea, cider, or coffee.

If you cannot go ice skating (try an indoor rink) then go on a decoration  watching date.  Drive around and look at all the decorations in your neighborhood or area.

A REAL date a week builds a REAL marriage.

Use holiday colors for your note and share a favorite holiday quote or thought with your loved one.  Letting your spouse know what a gift he or she is to you also fits well with this time of year.

REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank.

Tiger Woods cheated on his wife.  We all know that now.  Yes it is wrong.  Hopefully, people will allow him the time to work through this with his wife and allow the couple to repair their marriage.  USA Today ran a story today entitled “Tiger Woods scandal prompts question: Why do men cheat?”  Click here for the article.  This is the prompt for this blog post.

Women cheat too.  It is happening more and more.  So the better question is: Why do men and women cheat?  I answered this question in an earlier blog here.  In that blog I stated that the reason men or women cheat is choice.  The person who cheats makes a choice to cheat.  No one is made to cheat.  Even if you actually know of someone who was forced at gunpoint to cheat on a spouse that person has a choice, albeit a lousy one.  And in this case I would call this rape and not cheating.  Today I offer two additional reasons people cheat: not investing in their relationship/overinvesting elsewhere and not having a faithfulness plan.

The USA Today article quotes a marriage and family therapist as saying that often something is missing in a relationship, or people are not getting enough out of the relationship so people cheat.  While this is true some of the time often the truth is that the cheater is not investing in the relationship.  They are getting plenty from the relationship but not putting much into it.  By not investing in the relationship they put little value into the relationship and it is much easier to throw something away or treat it poorly if you do not value it very much.  Another side of this coin is the overinvestment in other areas or things.  I suspect that it has taken quite a bit of Tiger’s time to do all those endorsements, play those tournaments, and practice.  Which leads me to the third reason for cheating I mention today, no faithfulness plan.

Most people have not heard of a faithfulness plan even though we hear quite a bit about affair proofing or prevention.  There is no such thing as an affair proof marriage, however, every marriage can remain faithful.  The focus of affair proofing is affairs while the focus of a faithfulness plan is faithfulness.  What we really want is faithfulness so let’s focus on faithfulness.  Go here for a template to create your own faithfulness plan.  Also read through the “Infidelity” and “REAL Faithfulness Tips” sections of the REAL Marriage Blog.

Infidelity is being studied more and more.  For those wishing a review of scientific literature I recommend the following: Allen, E.S., Atkins, D., Baucom, D.H., Snyder, D., Gordon, K. C., & Glass, S.P. (2005).  Intrapersonal, interpersonal, and contextual factores in engaging in and responding to extramarital involement.  Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 12, 101-130.

Remember, when it comes to faithfulness you have a choice, you need to invest in your marriage, and you need a proactive faithfulness plan.  Remaining faithful is essential to having a REAL marriage.

Take your spouse to a Christmas or holiday concert.  These events abound this time of year.  You can go to free concerts, school concerts for little money, or spring for the professional concert.  Whichever you choose, enjoy your time together.

A REAL date a week builds a REAL marriage.

This morning USA Today has a story about people who knew they would divorce before they married.  Click here for the story.  Since today is my 19th wedding anniversary this story really caught my attention.  I knew when I got married that it would last because we both made the decision to make it work.  There have been some tough times and we had to work hard for a while and the result is 19 years of marriage, great kids, and knowing we can rely on each other now and in the future.

We did have premarital education and it helped.  Since getting a counseling degree emphasizing marriage and family therapy I have developed a more extensive program of premarital education then we received.  I think premarital education is not only a good idea, I think it should be required.  As a minister I will not conduct a wedding if the couple has not had premarital education.  All across the country churches in communities have come together to require premarital counseling before conducting weddings in thier facilities or by their ministers.  Where this has occurred the divorce rate has declined.  For more information see Marriage Savers.

Good premarital education lasts at least 8 hours, uses a premarital inventory such as PREPARE, FOCCUS, or RELATE, covers a multitude of subjects, and teaches couples skills in listening, communicating, problem solving, budgeting, and maintaining their marriage and faithfulness.  For those thinking about getting married (or parents who want to help their children who are marrying) check out these Questions to Ask Before Getting Married.  Another good thing to talk about before, and after, marriage is a Faithfulness Plan.  A good resource to use in your premarital education, Before “I Do,” was written to be used in conjunction with a PREPARE inventory.

Premarital education or counseling will not guarantee that a couple remains married, however, it will prepare the couple to realisitcally enter marriage and to do so with skills that are correlated with marital success.  If you are thinking about getting married invest in premarital education, it will be one of the best investments you ever make.  If you are a parent, grandparent, or good friend of someone thinking about getting married then pay for a couple’s premarital education as a marriage gift (instead of just a wedding gift).  At the very least share this blog post with them and suggest they invest in premarital education.

You can enter marriage believing it will last and prepared with skills to make that belief a reality.  You can have a REAL marriage if you so choose.  Make good decisions before marriage and they will bless you after you marry.