REAL Marriage

Everyone likes to celebrate and everyone likes to be remembered on special days. Make it a habit to celebrate special days often. The major holidays are a given. Birthdays and anniversaries are also a given. Here is the twist, celebrate your anniversary, your spouse’s birthday and your children’s birthdays every month on the appropriate day. A small celebration each month with a big celebration on the actual day keeps the love flowing year around.

Yes, I know that some have trouble remembering it once a year so how are they going to remember it every month. The good news is that you can put the date in your electronic calendar and have it repeat each month. You can even set it up to send you a reminder. I set mine up to give me an email reminder the day before. You have options.

Each time these days come up is also a good time to reflect or even write down what you appreciate about the person with whom you are celebrating. Once you have written such a list, hold on to it and add to it each month. You also get to review why you appreciate this person which helps keep the positive emotions going. Be sure to let your spouse or child know how much and why you appreciate them so you maintain a REAL relationship.

Start celebrating each month and see what happens. The more you invest in these relationships, the better they will get.

Love notes are always in style. Men, women, children, everyone likes getting love notes. From the “do you love me? check the yes or no box,” notes of grade school to the poetic masterpieces and everything in between, love notes are appreciated. Most people keep them for years and years.

Do you need some love note ideas? This blog has a section dedicated to REAL Love Note Tips. Are you needing a little more help? You can buy my book, Make a Note to Love Your Spouse at Amazon.com. It is a step by step guide to making, writing, and delivering REAL Love Notes.

Anyone can write a REAL love note. I suggest at least one per week as part of your marriage or relationship maintenance plan. REAL love notes are deposits in the love bank.

April 1-7 is Golden Rule week. The Golden Rule, do to others what you would have them do to you, is a basic biblical principal for having a REAL marriage and a great way to treat all people all the time. While this phrasing comes from the bible, Luke 6:31, it is widely recognized throughout society as (I have to do this) the gold standard for interacting with people.

The Golden Rule is a proactive principle. The idea is to figure out how the other person would like to be treated and then treat them that way – first. The Golden Rule teaches us to be initiators in doing good. Instead of random acts of kindness we are to do intentional proactive positive acts for others.

Many people think they live out the Golden Rule when actually they live the Silver Rule: I will not do to you what I do not want done to me. You do not say mean things to your spouse because you do not want your spouse to say mean things to you. The Silver Rule helps prevent bad actions yet it does not promote positve actions.

Others live the Bronze Rule: I do to you what you do to me. The classic example is the parent who is correcting a child for hitting a sibling and the child says, “He hit me first!” This also happens in marriages when one spouse says, “Treat me like that will you? Let’s see how you like it!” This does not end well.

Finally is the Iron Rule: I do to you before you get a chance to do to me. This is a negative rule. If you do this positively it is the Golden Rule. The Iron Rule is selfish and uncaring. The Iron Rule has no rightful place in a marriage or society.

Spend some time this week figuring out what your spouse would really like and then do it for him or her without being asked. Such behavior is the Loving part of a REAL marriage.

The news is full of stories about couples who say they don’t/can’t communicate. The reality is you cannot not communicate. You may or may not like the message you are getting but communication is constant. Now that things are winding down in Iraq there are many couples looking forward to increasing their face to face communication. However, there are times when it is better to take a break from active communication and those times are when there are H.A.L.T.S involved.

H.A.L.T.S stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, and Sick. If either one of you are one of these things it is better to stop serious communication and remedy the situation. If you are hungary, eat together and let food ease you into a good conversation. If you are angry it is time to really look at what you are angry about and then devise an appropriate response that will help the situation instead of make it worse. If you are lonely say so politely and ask for the attention you need. If you are tired, rest. If you are sick, address the illness and then have your conversation.

“Taking care of these things takes too much time,” I hear people say. Do they really take any more time then the time you will spend arguing if you don’t take care of them? Take care of these situations and make an investment in good communication and an even bigger investment in your REAL marriage.

Little things matter. Have you ever tried to lace your shoes with laces that did not have aglets (the little plastic things at the end of the laces that make it easy to put laces through holes)? Have you ever lost a key you need? Then you have experienced how little things matter.

Little things matter in marriage. I am willing to say even that little things matter, overall, more than big things. The illustration for this is one I have used many times and you may have heard elsewhere; it goes like this: If someone were to offer you a penny today and double your money every day for a month or offer you one thousand dollars a day for a month, which would you take? At the end of the month you can have $30, 000 at $1000 per day or you can have over five million dollars if you started with the penny. You probably want the five million.

Little things in your marriage are like the penny and even if not doubled every day they do get compound interest. Examples of little things are saying please and thank you, replacing the toilet paper roll when it runs out, doing a chore your spouse usually does, REAL Love Notes, a phone call or e-mail, or a small gift. A small gift is something under $10. If you really need to celebrate then you can go to $20. Any more than $20 dollars and you have moved into big things, which are appropriate at times, but not all the time.

We guys are often the ones who fall into the big things trap. Our wives like flowers and instead of buying a pretty bunch of flowers from the grocery store we spend over $100 for a bouquet of long stem roses. Most women would rather get 15 bunches of flowers from the grocery store (over time) then the one time bouquet of roses. Though we often hear “diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” many women do not want to wear diamond ear rings, bracelets, or necklaces to the grocery store, hauling the kids to practice, or even to work. Find something less expensive that you know she likes and go with it. The way to do this is to pay attention when you see her looking at things and writing down what she looks at so you can buy it, or something similar, later. In case you missed it, one of those little things is being with her when she is looking at those things.

Let’s look at this another way. Thanksgiving is usually a big meal. We have a bunch of food and we eat a bunch of food. We do not eat that way at every meal. Other days we have normal, or smaller meals, and these meals sustain us. Well, your spouse needs regular small meals (little things) to sustain them in the marriage.

Little things matter. Let us all be big enough, to do the little things.

Resolve to be (or remain) intentional about your marriage in 2010. It is time to review your faithfulness plan and make 2010 the best year of your REAL marriage so far.

Thanksgiving is next week. Start working on a list of things about your spouse and your relationship for which you are thankful. As a guideline, make it a list of the same number as the number of Thanksgivings you have been married or together. So, if you have been married 18 years make your list 18 items.

Do the same for your children.

On Thanksgiving Day share your list with your spouse and your children. Actions like this are deposits in the love banks of those you love. Take this opportunity to be REAL with your family.

Just like your car, your marriage needs maintenance. Just like your car there are some things you can do yourself, some your friends can help with, some you can take care of with a class, and sometimes you may need to call in a professional.

The first type of help is self-help. This is where you get a book, read some reputable articles, or watch some DVDs of good marriage material. This is the type of help that I recommend to all couples to keep things running smooth. The analogy is checking the oil in your car and keeping it filled to the appropriate level.

The second type of help is what I call group education. This may be a class at your church or local mental health center. Seminars also fall into this category as do marriage retreats and workshops. The emphasis here is on education with some skill building. This level helps keep things running smooth and also helps when a minor adjustment is needed.

The third type of help is peer assistance. Mentoring programs, coaching programs, and support groups fall are examples. With these programs there is an emphasis on learning and using marriage skills proven to work with other couples.

The fourth type of help, and the one many people avoid, is professional counseling. While we might be able to change our own spark plugs or oil, putting in a new transmission usually requires a trained mechanic. When the previous types of help do not produce the desired results it is time to see the trained professional.

Keep up the regular maintenance and you may never need that trained professional. It does take work and time and it is worth it. Just like that car that you maintain for all of those years becomes a “classic” your marriage will be a “classic” when you keep it maintained. Then it will be your marriage getting the envious looks that “classics” always get. Maintain that marriage and become a “classic.”

There is a relationship site that I receive information from that recently posted an article about “white lies” it is okay to tell on a first date. Let’s be clear (and REAL), it is not okay to tell lies, even “white” ones. Do you really want to start a relationship with deception? That is not Romantic or Encouraging. You might think it is Adaptable yet my definition of adaptable is a way of working together and lying is really only about helping you. Lying is certainly not Loving.

Honesty is important in any relationship. Speak the truth, in love, and build your REAL marriage or relationship.

Most of us have multiple things going on each week, especially once children are added to the family. You have work, children’s sports, school, and other activities, fraternal and service organizations, and for many, church/temple/mosque activities. It is easy to double book or to be so booked that you do not spend time together. Each person has a calendar and it gets fuller all of the time. For this reason it is important to coordinate your calendars.

Each week, get together as a couple (or even as a family), pull out the calendars and coordinate with one another. Each person needs to have only one calendar for keeping track of appointments, obligations, and other information. If you have a separate calendar for work, home, and birthdays then it will be hard to keep track of all of the calendars. Find a system that will accommodate your needs be it paper or electronic. The beauty of electronic calendars is they usually allow you to print so you can have it with you and yet it is controlled and stored in one spot.

When you have a weekly meeting like this you can make sure that everyone gets where they need to go and home again. It also allows you to purposefully schedule dates with your spouse, family time, recharge time or whatever you need. It also cuts down on missed events or asking your spouse to lunch on a day when an office lunch is already planned.

Coordinating your calendars will help you be intentional about your REAL marriage.