REAL Marriage

The news is full of stories about couples who say they don’t/can’t communicate. The reality is you cannot not communicate. You may or may not like the message you are getting but communication is constant. Now that things are winding down in Iraq there are many couples looking forward to increasing their face to face communication. However, there are times when it is better to take a break from active communication and those times are when there are H.A.L.T.S involved.

H.A.L.T.S stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, and Sick. If either one of you are one of these things it is better to stop serious communication and remedy the situation. If you are hungary, eat together and let food ease you into a good conversation. If you are angry it is time to really look at what you are angry about and then devise an appropriate response that will help the situation instead of make it worse. If you are lonely say so politely and ask for the attention you need. If you are tired, rest. If you are sick, address the illness and then have your conversation.

“Taking care of these things takes too much time,” I hear people say. Do they really take any more time then the time you will spend arguing if you don’t take care of them? Take care of these situations and make an investment in good communication and an even bigger investment in your REAL marriage.

Noise is everywhere. Not all of it is audible. Sometimes it consists of schedules that are too full, sometimes it is activity simply for the sake of activity, and sometimes it is our own desires. Oh, it could be many other things as well and I suspect that while there is overlap, we all have our own special noise. One of the problems of this noise is that it drowns out important things, like God, family, friends, and our marriage. We are no longer able to listen because of the noise.

What is the noise that is currently making it difficult for you to listen to what is important? Better yet, what can you do to turn down, or even turn off, the noise so you can listen to what matters?

Are you upset when a spouse rushes a telephone call with you? Do you think that he or she is not interested in you (selfishness is a post for another time)? If you could hear through the noise you might hear how busy your spouse is doing things for your good and the good of the family. If we shut out the noise it might be easier to assume good will with our spouses instead of jumping to negative conclusions.

To have a REAL marriage, one that is Romantic, Encouraging, Adaptable, and Loving, we need to shut out the noise more often and truly hear our spouses.

REAL Love Notes come in many forms. Remember, it is often the thought that counts and loved ones appreciate receiving notes. Each time you leave a loved one a REAL Love Note, whether paper, handmade, store bought, e-mail, instant message, or even voice mail you say you care and are thinking about your loved one.

For those of you in the military, use e-mail and instant message as much as you can. You deployed service members can take advantage of free regular postal mail home. Your spouse and especially your children, will appreciate finding a letter in the mail box.

REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank.

It is the end of April and Mother’s Day is fast approaching on May 8, 2011. Men, please remember to get your wife a Mother’s day card if she is a mother or is already expecting. Also, send a card to your mother and mother-in-law if they are still with you. Believe it or not, sending a nice card to your mother-in-law is a deposit in your wife’s love bank.

Other holidays are coming this year so start planning now so you can do them up right. Ladies, June 19, 2011 is Father’s day. The encouragement above pertains to you for Father’s day. Please remember birthdays and anniversaries as well.

For you military families, planning ahead is very important as you may need to purchase a year’s worth of cards in advance and you may be dealing with longer postal times from foreign countries. Give yourself time to get your cards and REAL Love notes to your loved ones a day or two early.

Every marriage can be a REAL Marriage. Maintain a REAL mindset and keep working together to have your REAL Marriage.

Now that school is back in session decorate a REAL Love Note with a school theme on the outside. On the inside write “Three Wonderful Things I Have Learned About You” and give this to your spouse.

REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank.

Most people think infidelity is wrong – at least they say they do. I believe most of them and I am sure that there are very few people who would think it is okay if their spouse, or significant other, cheated on them. However, there are some who think it is okay. Click here for an article about the spread of an infidelity promotion website’s spread to Australia.

What do we do about such things? My answer is we promote faithfulness instead of infidelity. Develop a faithfulness plan with your spouse and encourage your friends to develop a faithfulness plan also. While we may not totally eliminate infidelity we can reduce it and make it an unpopular choice.

I have mentioned the cost of out of wedlock births before and it is an issue that has not gone away. Besides the monetary cost there are untold emotional, physical, and spiritual costs to out of wedlock childbirth. Click here to read an NPR story about out of wedlock births. This is an issue that we can address. Each of us can spread the information and we can all send people for education about the advantages of marriage. You can also give premarital education as a marriage (instead of wedding) gift.

Tomorrow, April 13th, 2010 is International Moment of Laughter Day. Give your spouse a love note describing how you enjoy the way he or she makes you laugh. You can also make the note about how much you appreciate your spouse’s laugh. Another alternative is to give a funny note that will make your spouse laugh.

REAL Love Notes are deposits in the love bank.

Tomorrow, Friday, April 9, 2010 is National Cherish An Antique Day. Visit antique shops together, share stories about the antiques you already own and most importantly make plans for how you will become antiques together.

A REAL date a week builds a REAL marriage.

“Emotional stimulation is often a more powerful determinant of genital function and satisfaction than is touch.” David Schnarch, Ph.D. Passionate Marriage, 2009.

The above statement is important for couples to understand. Emotions matter, to women AND men, when you want to have satisfying sex. It is difficult to have good sex, and sometimes even difficult to just have sex, when you are in a bad mood. Sometimes you have stress from outside your marriage that is causing the bad mood and sometimes it has to do with interactions with your spouse. Treat each other well so that you can move into positive emotions and enjoy each other more, both relationally and sexually.

For those of you who think this does not matter because you have great “make-up” sex, you need to realize that the argument you had produced very powerful emotions and now that you are making up you have flipped the switch on those emotins from negative to positive, resulting in powerful good emotions that fuel good sex.

So from now on remember that there is more than just physical stimulation. Positively stimulate your spouse intellectually, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally and physical stimulation becomes much easier. Keep being REAL and you will stimulate your spouse on all of these levels.