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Teen Discipline – The Basics
“What do I do with my teenager?” As a counselor trained in marriage and family therapy I hear this question almost daily. Here is the basic information you need to implement a plan for helping your teenager make it to the adult years while retaining your sanity.
There are many keys to unlocking success with your teen (I know many of you would rather lock them up). One of them is discipline. In its simplest form discipline means teaching or training. The idea is to train your child to be responsible and accountable. In other words a contributing member of your family and society. Discipline also means that your teen learns that there are positive consequences for good behavior and negative consequences for bad behavior.
Discipline is not the same as punishment. Punishment is an aversive (in the eyes of the receiver) stimuli applied in order to decrease or extinguish an undesired behavior. In normal language it means you would use punishment to get your teen to stop doing something he or she is better off not doing.
If you want them to start doing something or keep doing something then you need to reward them. A reward is a positive (in the eyes of the receiver) stimuli applied in order to increase a behavior. Behavior that is rewarded is repeated. How long would you continue at your job if your paycheck stopped coming? The other side of that coin is all of the negative behavior that your teen continues to do is being rewarded somehow. “How is he or she being rewarded?” you ask. More about that in another article about the tougher teens.
What about privileges? The following material is adapted from R.L. Munger’s now out of print book, Changing Children’s Behavior Quickly. There are basic privileges. These are never taken away. Basic privileges are food, clothing, shelter, and love. This does not mean non-nutritious food such as chips, pastries, etc. It does not mean designer clothes or name brand clothes. Discount stores provide adequate clothing. An indoor place to live with running water and toilet facilities count as shelter though each state has certain requirements which you would want to meet to avoid state involvement in you family. Hopefully you all understand what love is and means in dealing with your teen. In the most basic sense, love is a verb. It is what you do for and with your teen.
Growth privileges are things such as sports, scouts, 4H, church groups, band, etc. These generally are not taken away though they may be restricted. In other words, the teen is allowed to attend the practice or activity but they are dropped off and picked up by you. No hanging out with the crowd before or after. Such restrictions are for acting out teens.
Optional privileges are everything else. Examples are non-school related computer time, video game devices, phone use, car use, etc. Also included in the optional privileges are items such as ice cream, pastries, designer or name brand clothing, and those other things that are not clearly in the basic or growth privilege category. Optional privileges are where you have leverage. More on leverage in later articles.
So back to your question, “What do I do with my teenager?” Well that depends on what they are doing. Read the additional articles on teen discipline. I call the group, “Teen Discipline – The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.” These are three articles addressing what to do with “good”, “bad”, and “ugly” (behavior, not appearance) teens.