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REAL Military Marriages

All marriages are unique and they all share similarities. Military marriages have some unique challenges. The normal marriage advice is true for military marriages – learn to speak so each of you hears the other, learn to problem solve, have a budget and stick to it, maintain your sex life, parent together, and come to agreement on where to spend the holidays. While normal marriage advice is true for military marriages there are also some additional areas to be aware of or adjustments to be made to handle being married with one or both of you in the military.

Take advantage of any marriage enrichment programs your branch of the military offers. Many of these programs are offered through the Chaplain. I am familiar with the Army since that is my branch of the service but all branches are offering opportunities to strengthen and enrich marriages. These opportunities are either free or much cheaper than if you did the same thing in the civilian world. The military has been working with top researchers and programs in the marriage field so that you have good choices. The Army offers weekends using PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program). You can learn more about this program at www.prepinc.com.

Here are some of the things that military marriages need to do to maintain their REAL Marriages.

Be a Team

It is important that you see your marriage as an “us” or a “we” instead of him and her. The team wins together and the team loses together. Both of you need to give it 100%. Take care of each other at least as well as you take care of your “battle buddy” and hopefully even better. The goal is for the two of you to be happily together long after you leave the military behind.

Communicate

When I say communicate here I mean each person needs to understand the other completely. We need to get out of military mode and into marriage mode when we communicate with each other. We can use military language to describe marriage and when speaking to military personnel I use military terms and analogies (I’m an Army Reserve Chaplain) such as being on the same mission and spouses being each other’s “battle buddies.”

Communication in marriage is a great place to use all of those manners your parents taught you when you were little. Speak nicely and get away from the “command voice.” Use “please” and “thank you.” Don’t interrupt one another and speak for yourself not your spouse. Stay away from “mind reading” and check out any negative thoughts you have with your spouse. “This is the message I’m getting…. Is this right?” Checking things out this way may sound silly but I would rather sound a little silly and have clear communication then argue for hours and get no where.

Learn to speak assertively. This simply means saying what you need to say or asking for what you want directly, honestly, and appropriately. Speaking assertively is a good way to avoid “stuffing” things. Assertive communication gets things on the table when they come up and stuffing pushes things away until you can’t stand it anymore and explode. Explosions are good for destroying things and you don’t want to destroy your marriage so learn to be assertive.

One of the ways to avoid these explosions and to keep problems from getting bigger than they need to be is to speak to each other daily. Make sure you spend time telling each other about the good things in your day and the things that bothered you. This is the time you have fun conversation and supportive conversation instead of “running-the-house-taking-care-of-the-kids” conversation. Some of your communication each day will be “business” conversation and that is okay just make sure to have the other fun and supportive conversation too. Set a time each week to handle the big “business” of your marriage.

Make sure to keep up communication on deployment. Use every means at your disposal. The military is much better at providing communication for families these days then in years gone by. My dad did three tours in Vietnam and the communication was limited to letters through the postal system and the very rare (only two that I can remember) radio hook-up to a telephone call. Now you can e-mail fairly regularly, use postal mail, and usually call fairly frequently as well. Take advantage of all avenues of communication whether you are apart or together.

Listen

• We have two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we speak. (Proverbs 18:13.)
• 55% of communication is body language; 38% of communication is voice; 7% of communication is words.
• Communication always happens in context.
  • Physical context: This is the physical surroundings and the physical events happening at the time.
  • Mental context: This is the thought processes going on at the time. Most if not all people have some ingrained automatic thought processes that may be positive or negative.
  • Emotional context: This is the emotional state of the person at the time.
  • Spiritual context: This has to do with one’s spiritual life and beliefs. Those with an active spiritual life have more resources than those without an active spiritual life.
• Be aware of your own communication. Your body language, voice, and words need to work together to communicate the message you desire.
• Look for consistencies in the other person’s body language, voice, and words.
• Look for inconsistencies in the other person’s body language, voice, and words.
• When in doubt, ask. Be polite and ask straightforward questions.
• You can listen without agreeing.
• Open ended questions encourage further communication. These are questions that need answering with more than a one or two word answer. Some phrases to keep in your toolbox:
  • Tell me more about that.
  • Say more about that.
  • Help me understand what you are saying.
  • Tell me how you feel about that. (This gets to emotion. Is the emotion appropriate for the circumstances?)
  • Tell me what you think about that. (This gets to cognitive processes. Are the thought processes appropriate for the circumstances?)
• Closed ended questions ask for short, one or two word answers. These are best used for obtaining factual information. (E.g. did you pick up the milk?)
• Become comfortable with silence. (Job 2:13)
• Be an active listener.
  • Make eye contact. Look in only one eye. Hold eye contact for one to three sentences and then look away slightly. Reestablish eye contact in one or two sentences.
  • Show that you are listening through body language and facial expressions.
  • Use “tracking statements” when listening. E.g. “Uh huh,” “ok,” etc. These are meant to let the person know you are listening without stopping their flow of communication.
  • Use “restatement” to make sure you are hearing what they say. This is to make sure you have received the content or the words. You can paraphrase but try to stay close to the words the other person uses.
  • “Reflective listening” gets to the emotion the person is feeling. It is a paraphrase with an emotional interpretation, “So you’re saying…and you feel….” This is a deeper listening which requires that you take in all 100% of the person’s communication in conjunction with the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual context.
• Learn to use “feeling words.”
• People always have the right not to speak. If they do not want to talk, let them know you care and are willing to listen if they decide they want to talk.
• When both people feel completely understood, 70% of the time problems are solved.

Resolve Conflict with Good Skills

Every couple has conflict of some kind and some time. Some conflicts are big and some are small. The more assertive and honest both of you are and the more both of you listen well the less conflict you will need to resolve. Use the following steps for solving problems and resolving conflict.

1. Set a time and place for solving the problem.
2. Define the problem. Solve one problem at a time. Be specific!
3. Each person describes their own contribution to the problem.
4. Generate possible solutions in writing. Use as much paper as necessary. Brainstorm any possible solution. Do not reject any solution at this time; that will be done in the next step.
5. Evaluate possible solutions. Reject impossible, immoral or illegal solutions at this time.
6. Decide on the best solution or at least the one you are both willing to implement.
7. Implement the solution. Take action!
8. Evaluate the solution. How well did the solution work? Do you need to try another solution? If so, go back to your list of solutions and try another.
9. Start over with another problem.

Be Proactive

Start working on improving your marriage right now. Those of you with great marriages can make them even better and add even more deposits to the love bank. No matter what level your marriage is it can be better. Read books, listen to CD’s, go to enrichment weekends, and attend seminars. Use websites that will help your marriage and read blogs. The REAL Marriage blog is at http://www.myrealmarriage.com/blog/index.php. This kind of constant marriage training will help you when tough times come just like your military training helps you in war.

Hang in There

Research has shown us that sticking it out makes a difference. Couples having problems usually work through them within five years. Many couples who have divorced have said they wished they had stuck it out longer.

Have Friends

Both spouses need to have friends outside of the marriage. The friends you spend time with alone though should be of the same gender. It is important to have friends together as well. Make sure the couples you spend time with are friends of your marriage and have a good attitude about marriage. It is these kinds of friends who are supportive during deployment.

Cross Train

Husbands need to know what the wife does and how to do what she does and she needs to know what her husband does and how to do it. For those things that one of you cannot do for some reason you need to know where to get it done if it needs to be done. It is okay for each of you to specialize but you both need to have enough general skill to get things done if one of you is on a long deployment.

Both of you need to know how to pay bills, shop for groceries, clean house, do laundry, and take care of children including doing your daughter’s hair. Both of you need to know the children’s medical history, allergies, where the birth certificates are kept, who their teachers are, and who they have as friends.

Find Marriage Mentors

Your chaplain may have a program at the chapel or know of one either on post or in the community. Many churches will take you in their mentoring program without being a member of that church. Marriage mentors are couples who have been married longer and weathered the things that couples go through. They are willing to share their experience and in some cases they are also trained to coach you in basic marriage skills.

Date Regularly

Of course I mean you should date your spouse. It is important to have fun together, have alone time as a couple, and have intimate time together.

Maintain your Sex Life

A regular sex life is good for you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. If you are doing the other things in this article you will find that they have a positive impact on your sex life.

Give REAL Love Notes Regularly

Learn to leave little notes for each other on at least a weekly basis. Hide them where your spouse will find them. These notes can be a simple “smiley face,” an “I love you,” or “have a nice day.” The notes do not have to be long or poetic, though that is acceptable as well; they just need to be heartfelt from you. If you are having trouble making them or need ideas see http://www.myrealmarriage.com/store.php.

Parent Together

Earlier I said it was important to be a team and it is especially important when you parent. If you are not together your children will know it and they will divide and conquer. Sit down together and come up with a plan for parenting your children. Talk about what you want to teach them, what you want them to learn, what kinds of discipline you want to use, and what kind of examples you want to be for them. Once you have done these things then parent on purpose. Don’t be afraid to take some parenting classes. These are often offered on your installation or in the local community through churches, community centers, and the school system.

Eat Together

Have at least one meal a day together when you are both home. Enjoy each other’s company and make it relationship time instead of talking about bills or what needs picking up from the grocery store.

Have Fun Together

Find things that you enjoy doing together for fun, recreation, or enjoyment and then do those things regularly. Read to each other or discuss a book you have both read (especially those marriage books), play cards, play board games, play sports, go to concerts, plays, or other events, scrapbook, or anything else you enjoy together. The idea is to have fun and to do it regularly. Once a month is the minimum in this area and try for at least once a week.

Get Help When Needed

Sometimes we have trouble working through something on our own and we need a little help. For military people the chaplain is a great place to start. Often the chapel has ongoing programs for marriage and many chaplains also have advanced degrees in counseling. Most installations have other resources for counseling and there is always the civilian sector for help.

It might be tough to ask for help or even a little bit embarrassing yet your marriage is worth doing something tough for or enduring a little embarrassment. Working through a tough issue will bring you respect and a divorce is much more difficult, embarrassing, and painful then getting help.

I have tried to hit some major areas in helping you with your military marriage. Please e-mail me at jmaxwell@myrealmarriage.com if you have specific questions. With regular work everyone can have a REAL Marriage.

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